Brockie's Homepage

The personal homepage of ME, Dave Brockie. This site is my personal rant-arena and look-at-me-I'm-cool page. Don't use it to try to keep up with GWAR, DBX, or anything else I do but remember everything else you hear about me (which is probably nothing) is a lie! Located on the GWAR server, under the watchful eye of Scott D. cyber-slave extraodinare, this site will continue to grow and mutate (at a snail's pace) so check back often (if you enjoy being disappointed). I enjoy peeing with the door open, while eating cold Beefaroni right out of the can.

Brockie, age 4, after he saw a picture of Balsac's face

UPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATEUPDATE

Well hell-o everybody! Yes, it's Dave, back from the dead, and here's my latest mess-terpiece…"Steamhouse" for the very patient Kara. Only took me two months. Pathetic! And here I was swearing publicly to get one done a week…all lies! But, I am sad to say, due to the incredible back log of work, and the increasingly hostile tone of my patrons, I am not going to be accepting any new commissions until I can clear off this list, which is 20 deep. Whoops! Now, over the last couple years I have managed to lose and re-acquire pertinent info concerning my many orders, so there is the chance that you may have been accidentally forgotten. If you have any questions regarding your order (like where the fuck is it?), or wish to ask about getting your very own piece of Brockie-art (I won't be accepting any money or make any promises, just discuss it) you can reach me at maggotmaster13@gmail.com.

It's been awhile since the last update and the time has been a busy one…lots of stuff going on, so I'll be brief. It's great to have Casey back, best of luck Todd and Mobile Death Camp, DBX is not playing any Green Jelly gigs, I'm not a junkie, the fall show is under construction and it's going to rule, we are working on new songs and they sound awesome, our roommate Jason had a complete meltdown, I'm off to London in a few days to do the Golden Gods awards (actually I am back already, full report next update), GWAR will be out for close to 3 months this fall and we are playing basically everywhere, we are in court proceedings with DRT so the status of our next record is unclear, Derks made steak and kidney pies and they fucking ruled…..ummmmm……my dick is becoming un-bent but still isn't functioning properly, staples can hurt you, I have conquered mud-butt (stopped drinking Red Bull), I can only update the "stupid" page if I do stupid things, and I need to get back to work so I'm out!

Miss an update? Impossible! Go here to reminisce...

FUN PLACES TO WASTE TIME

Money For Art
Trade worthless sheckles for valuable prizes--
CHECK BACK OFTEN FOR NEW PIECES!

Chippy!
The sad and continuing saga of Chippy the Chippapotomas

Stupid!
Because you need to feel better about yourself

Violence Has Arrived
Thoughts on our new dumb-ass war

Mild in the Streets
Undercover reporter exposes IMF protests as silly

Dave Brockie Experience
My new band (where I get drunk and act like an idiot)

Whargoul
If you like undead Nazi's this page is for you!

Richmond Sucks!
If you can't make good art, criticize someone else's

F-Minus Art Gallery
Squiggles, white-out, confusion...

Arrrrrrr!
The bloody epic of Blackbeard, terror of the Atlantic!

Slave Pit Studios
Record your band with the pros, or at least someone that knows them

Here's the Guestbook

More pictures, PLEASE!

March 31, 2008, Slave Pit

zombie

Zombie Soldier

Acrylic 2008

Check it out! I am actually working at more than a snail' s pace! This latest Brockie squiggle-fest goes out to Jay somewhere in the nations proud mid-section, commissioned by his delightful sister, Misty. I'll leave out the part where I tell you that she had to wait two years before I finally got around to finishing it....oh shit! Again I beg your forgiveness, but yer shit will get done!

And remember, I am ever at your service if you require a beautiful piece of collectable BROCKIE art for your wall, or album cover, or t-shirt, or to rub on yer genitals--my rates are reasonable as long as you don't mind waiting for your art, my work cannot be rushed...just occasionally prodded. But I am picking up steam so get your orders in NOW ! Just e-mail me at maggotmaster13@gmail.com

I'd like to thank everybody for their concern about my bent dick. I went to the Municipal Waste show the other night and everybody was asking about it. Well the news isn't good. In fact it appears to be getting worse. My dick has gone from a porpoise to the letter "c", just with balls. But the biggest question I got was "what the fuck is up with GWAR?" Well, all I can tell you is nothing. Not that nothing is up, just that I can't tell you what is. Because this entire year (with the exception of some limited touring) is going to be spent in the studio preparing for the 25th anniversary of GWAR and Slave Pit--preparing by producing the most colossal project in Slave Pit history! A project that shall make all previous efforts pale in comparison...in fact it will include all previous projects...confused yet? Well, so am I, but that's nothing new. Suffice to say that Slave Pit is rejecting the conventions of an obsolete music industry and re-forming ourselves and the way we present GWAR (and all of our numerous side projects) in a manner that shall cement with finality our reputation as the most dangerous, creative, cutting edge group of musical malcontents this side of Chuck Berry's piss-stream! And we're bringing you with us. So hang tight, and know that while you idly finger your remote box, somewhere legions of GWAR slaves are laboring without end to produce the greatest thing in GWAR history. Alright, enough hype, I actually am going back to work! Oh, but one more thing...

Every time I take a shit it's like my ass is vomiting a gallon of tadpoles. How can you flush something like that? They have eyes! New update and a wonderful new painting in only a week! And if I fail I publicly pledge to consume a gallon of my own tadpoles!

Before we get to the "meat" of the matter, the makers and attendants of Dave Brockie, and whatever roles he fulfills in any other capacity, have not at this time announced any intention of letting Brockie out of his cell to join up with Derks and Brad and do a bunch of DBX shows with GREEN JELLY. There have been reports of communication between Brockie and a member of the "GREEN" Jell-o...I mean whoops, JELLY inner circle, but this apparently has gone no further than a series of mewling, hissy noises. If there are any confirmations to the rumors that DBX will join up with Green Jelly for some, all, or none of G.J.'s summer tour, don't beleive it until you read it here!

Here's my latest, for the long-suffering Noah of Ca.! I can almost hear the hisses of my host of unsatisfied customers as they see someone else getting their shit. Take it as a good sign that I actually do knock one of these things out every now and then. But seriously folks...I know some people out there are not very happy at having to wait what is in some cases YEARS for a piece of my work. I won't waste your time with lame excuses. Suffice to say the situation got out of control--lotsa work, not enough time, etc... and my apologies...now I have whittled it down to about 15 or so pieces and with no GWAR tours in sight I am confident that I will be able to catch up with all this work once and for all, and make sad people happy, and then sad again, when they realize their painting is ALIVE....

Behold the majesty of Frenchy, also known as Prince Ray Pierre, patron demon of France and also all things naughty! My next, going to Misty almost done. Look for new work often as this brief respite from touring means hours of paintbrush pushing!And of course a considerable amount of time spent strapped to a gurney, screaming “I don’t want to die!”

I type to you from my fourth home (named “The Smokehouse” due to its leaky chimney-I need to start leaving hams out) in as many years. I just moved in with Mike Derks. Why? Because I just don’t hang out with that guy enough! Now I know (if anybody is even still reading this) that you were getting spoiled by the profusion of updates that this site was enjoying during the first half of 2007—anyone who knows me realized long ago it was all a set-up to letdown. But who can fucking blame or even accuse GWAR or me (well o.k., me…) of being lazy! I mean, you saw our tour schedule last year—SICK. It doesn’t mean I worked hard it just means that it was sick. It was the most shows ever done by GWAR in the space of a year, and we made it without the normal explosion of intense hissy fits that a GWAR tour normally brings forth. So about a week into the Viva La Bam tour I just put my head down and hung on for dear life—a life which became a never-ending pastiche of slimy loincloth’s and mystery pilly fistfuls, a gurgling gallop of swilling liquor’s and unidentified bodily fluids! A year where “bagging it” was raised to a fine art, and grew in popularity until forgotten bags of fecal matter clogged the cabinet under the pisser. Why crap in a bucket when you can shit in a bag? Especially when you wake every morning to an exploding ass! I don’t know…but I know...but…

MY DICK IS BENT

Welcome back to the site that someone recently said looked like “it was made on free Netscape software about 15 years ago.” Well sir, that is precisely the look we was going for! So here it is, the site that shot a thousand Popes, now entering it’s 8th year of existence. I went back and checked out a bunch of old updates today. Boy am I fucked-up! A lot of those image files are fucked up too, plz fix that Scott! Yes, I know I don’t pay you! But you just got a new job, and I just lost mine! So get ready, cuz I have big plans for this site this year. Slower downloads, fewer updates, and ridiculously large picture files. Virus’s, spam, and social diseases, Trojan horses and naked, naked woman. Merely looking at this site will cause your name to be immediately inserted at the top of several lists of extremely naughty people who are continually monitored by the government, especially when they are in the bathroom! I mean when the government is in the bathroom. And that’s a big bathroom—and---

MY DICK IS BENT

So what else should I say about the second half of 2007? That it sucked? In many ways it did! All because Sean Taylor got shot! I know there were more than a few pass-receivers’ who drew a secret sigh of relief when #21 left the stadium. Never was there a more fun player to watch, especially if you enjoy seeing people get creamed. But things got better as the end of the never-ending tour got closer, and the Redskins ended up in the playoffs. Maybe the best thing to say about 2007 is nothing at all. Because the only good thing about it is that it’s over! But I won’t get off that easily. So more comment is in order-- I had a great time with my broken back, my spewing bag-ass, and the filthy feed-bag I strapped over my noggin’ nightly! What fun it was to be assaulted by wave after wave of foam-flecked strangers, only a few of which were willing to give me oral pleasure! How truly joyous it is to be old, cold, and lonely, possessing myriad bad habits and giving not one shit. In fact, nothing could be better, except for perhaps the fact that…

MY DICK IS BENT

O.k., let me get it off my chest…in hopes that sharing is caring and this will help me to overcome the trauma which has come into my life…or into my dick, or into my dicks life. It all started about 6 weeks into the fall/winter tour. I was having real trouble sleeping. I mean like it was BAD…I would hit the sack totally exhausted and then just lie there all night. This led to a zombie-like state of being in which life was but a dream. It really sucked. So finally I got an doctor’s appointment which led to a Ambien prescription, which led to sleepy times for old Dave. For a while, I was happy. Oh, how I laughed at the warnings about the product—“may cause sexual side-effects”…apparently the stuff can lead to you waking up in a strange bed, fucking your friend’s wife! And on a bus full of men, waking up with your dick in a weird hole could be quite a problem. But that didn’t happen…what I got was these titanic boners…boners so fucking hard that they hurt. They would wake me up from a sound sleep with their intensity, my proud, hard prick straining against the confines of my tighty-whiteys. But the Ambien made me so groggy that only rarely did I have the presence of mind to relieve the pressure on my straining rod by slipping the raging member out of my underwear. And when left in it’s gauzy lair, the cock pushed up and bent backwards, guided by the shape of the dick-bag. So my dick spent hour after hour doubled backwards, rock hard, and planning to stay that way. That’s right! After a couple weeks of this, I noticed that whenever I got a boner in the daytime, it would go into the shape that it assumed during my nocturnal stupor! Not overly concerned at first, I gradually became so as the aforementioned “bent dick syndrome” refused to go away. And that’s why I’m such a whining, miserable bastard. Now, almost two months after the tour’s completion, my dick is still bent. If it was uncircumcised then it would look like a fucking porpoise!

Miss an update? Impossible! Go here to reminisce