IT HAS BEGUN! The colossal GWAR "Lust in Space" tour 2009 has
begun...catch GWAR with Lamb of God, Red Chord, Job for a Cowboy, and
Mobile Death Camp all fall and winter. Come on out and defend your
planet from the predations of Cardinal Syn and his host of
intergalactic assholes Keep up with the savage marauding of your world
(Keep an eye on Myspace and GWAR.net for any changes to the schedule)
|Wed-Sep-16 Memphis, TN @ Minglewood Theater - w/LOG
Fri-Sep-18 GRAND RAPIDS, MI @ INTERSECTION
Sat-Sep-19 COLUMBUS, OH @ NEWPORT MUSIC HALL
Sun-Sep-20 BALTIMORE, MD @ SONAR
Mon-Sep-21 Providence, RI @ Lupos - w/LOG
Tue-Sep-22 Montclair, NJ @ Welmont Theater - w/LOG
Wed-Sep-23 Pittsburgh, PA @ Amphitheater at Station Square - w/LOG
Fri-Sep-25 Oklahoma City, OK Bricktown Events Center - w/LOG
Sat-Sep-26 Lubbock, TX Pavilion - w/LOG
Sun-Sep-27 Austin, TX @ Austin Music Hall - w/LOG
Tue-Sep-29 HOUSTON, TX @ WAREHOUSE LIVE
Wed-Sep-30 NEW ORLEANS, LA @ HOUSE OF BLUES
Fri-Oct-02 Jacksonville, FL @ Plush - w/LOG
Sat-Oct-03 FT. LAUDERDALE, FL @ REVOLTION
Sun-Oct-04 TAMPA, FL @ THE RITZ
Mon-Oct-05 Orlando, FL @ Hard Rock Live - w/LOG
Tue-Oct-06 ATLANTA,GA @ MASQUERADE
Wed-Oct-07 Little Rock, AR @ Clear Channel Metroplex - w/LOG
Thu-Oct-08 Wichita, KS @ Cottilion - w/LOG
Fri-Oct-09 Des Moines, IA @ Val Air Ballroom - w/LOG
Sat-Oct-10 Fargo, ND @ The Venue @ Playmakers - w/LOG
Mon-Oct-12 MINNEAPOLIS, MN @ FIRST AVENUE
Wed-Oct-14 SAUGET, IL @ POP'S
Thu-Oct-15 INDIANAPOLIS, IN @ THE VOGUE
Fri-Oct-16 Knoxville, TX @ Valarium - w/LOG
Sat-Oct-17 DETROIT, MI @ HARPOS
Sun-Oct-18 CLEVELAND,OH @ HOUSE OF BLUES
Tue-Oct-20 Norfolk, VA @ Norva - w/LOG
Wed-Oct-21 Raleigh, NC @ Disco Rodeo - w/LOG
Fri-Oct-23 RICHMOND, VA @ THE NATIONAL
Sat-Oct-24 Big Flats, NY TAGGS - w/LOG
Sun-Oct-25 London, ON @ John Labbat Center - w/LOG
Mon-Oct-26 BUFFALO, NY @ TOWNHALL BALLROOM
Tue-Oct-27 BURLINGTON, VT @ HIGER GROUND
Thu-Oct-29 Halifax @ Cunard Center - w/LOG
Fri-Oct-30 Moncton, NS @ Moncton Coliseum Hall C - w/LOG
SEE GWAR LIVE THIS FALL AND WINTER ON THEIR 25th ANNIVERSARY TOUR
GWAR just kicked off the first phase of the tour of their already-legendary two-year long 25th Anniversary Celebration. They are touring in support of their brand new album, "LUST IN SPACE", out now on Metal Blade Records!
Continuing the celebration in true GWAR form, the band recently wrapped filming for their first music video off the of the “LUST IN SPACE” album for the lead single “LET US SLAY” Check out the world premiere of the video on the official home page of GWAR. www.gwar.net
Said ODERUS URUNGUS, who has been saying a lot of stuff lately, "LET US SLAY” is the first video from our new epic album, ‘LUST IN SPACE’, and provides actual first-hand footage of GWAR's recent travels through outer space and our cosmic struggle against that intergalactic asshole Cardinal Syn...this should put an end to any speculation that we are not really from outer space...you can really see us flying around on spaceships and shit!"
After a huge hit of crack laced with horse tranquilizer and kitty litter, the warty front-thing continued, "This is just the latest GWAR video from esteemed director David Brodsky, whom we have worked w/ before on the amazing ‘SCHOOL’S OUT’ video. He is a very talented and effusively garrulous sort of guy, and he works for rocks! Plus I am particularly excited about the many dance moves that I executed in the course of the video...I recently studied under Christopher Walken, and after working very hard he gave me the nickname "Twinkletoes!"
Show your devotion to the world's only openly extra-terrestrial band, the mighty GWAR, and pick up a copy of their amazing new album, "LUST IN SPACE" even if you have already. And don't forget to check out 2009's most awesome tour-- experience the legend that is GWAR, some very special friends, and the soon-to-be-arriving war fleet of Cardinal Syn, this fall and winter in the following cities....HAIL GWAR!
Oderus Urungus, vocals
Balsac the Jaws of Death, guitar
Jizmak da Gusha, drums
Flattus Maximus, guitar
Beefcake the Mighty, bass
THE TIME IS NOW! On your knees in total, groveling submission as you pay homage to the true lords of the underworld, the mighty GWAR! Unassailable in granduer, GWAR transcends the precepts of what a “band” truly is, and has become a worldwide cultural icon whose influence on our society has yet to be measured, yet it is utterly undeniable. GWAR rules! Surrender yourself to the remorseless force that is GWAR. Join GWAR as they mark the 25th year of their re-awakening on Planet Earth with their new album, “LUST IN SPACE”, coming August 18th on Metal Blade Records!
GWAR has also proclaimed August 18th the beginning of a two-year celebration marking 25 years of constant GWAR mayhem on Earth.
“The event is so colossal that the idea of a more traditional, one-year celebration seemed completely inappropriate...this one is longer...and bigger!” quoted Oderus Urungus, GWAR's lead singer, from the bands Antarctic stronghold.
GWAR is Earth's only active band hailing from outer space. They are undying heavy-metal warlords who put on quite simply the greatest show in history. This brain-melting, ear-splitting, eruption of blood, guts and savage lust is a ritual every human must endure. It has given GWAR legendary status and unrivaled respect, and left a visible blot on not only their fans but society itself.
GWAR is part of an ancient order of warriors called the Skumdogs of the Universe. They were banished to earth for a hideous array of cosmic crimes. Once here they coupled with the ape and through this bestial sexual mutation the human race was born. But this was a crime too great for GWAR's cosmic master (the Master) to ignore. He imprisoned GWAR in timeless ice, deep beneath their hulking temple in the wastes of Antarctica.
Here they slept, all the while dreaming the dreams of the humans that had grown to infest GWAR's world. But the day did come that GWAR stirred from it's ancient slumber and beheld the spectacle of what they had created. Underground figure Sleazy P. Martini, on the run, shot down over Antarctica, stumbled into GWAR's tomb at the precise moment of their re-awakening. His adroit thinking not only saved his life but got GWAR hooked on crack, and set them on the road in the form of a heavy-metal band! Here they immediately embarked on a 25-year (and counting) assault on the human race, and ultimately the Earth itself, the goal being the destruction of the human race and the actual melting of the entire planet (Oderus prefers melting planets). During this time they have toured relentlessly, released a slew of albums and videos, fought off hordes of alien attackers and have caused billions of dollars in worth of property damage. Yet despite their generally anti-social behavior, GWAR has inspired a worldwide cult of supporters and followers, ready to give their lives at a moments notice.
Bow down in utter abeyance to GWAR, master's of metal and lords over Earth!
Hit the archive for older updates..
What follows is a note from ODERUS URUNGUS, ruler of Earth, lead singer of GWAR, and possibly the most deluded being on the planet...a being so clever that he at this moment is posing as me, the person (Oderus Urungus), that is writing this...
For some time I have devoted my leisure activity to a long-cherished goal, that of fucking a living blue-whale. Many carcasses I had violated in search of this inane pleasure, and it was good, until I realized that once again The Masters was on. In recent years I have relished the rape and murder of international golfing celebrities at what is undoubtedly golf's most prestigious event. Despite the PGA's denial of my wrath (they only show heavily-edited footage), I recently descended on Augusta and left nothing but corpses in my wake. Indeed, Tiger Woods butchered carcass was served at the Champions Banquet, and I made Fuzzy Zoeller eat it! And also my dick...
But all pleasures soon bore, so I was relieved beyond belief that we recently began work on our new album, “LUST IN SPACE”. Once again the brothers GWAR have been joined in the creation of what can only be described as the new thing that we are working on.
What tales will we tell? What wrath shall unfold? Once GWAR rose from the depths of Hell, carrying the skewered head of Jewcifer as our battle standard, to return to the surface world and embrace whatever fate had prepared for them, what the hell happened? Well, rest assured that I am not going to tell you a thing...except that when GWAR's 25th Anniversary Re-birth on Earth epic product cycle begins to drop, it's going to be nothing less than the greatest record, show, and assortment of other things you can blow ALL your money on! Oh and I can also tell you this...
GWAR is wrapping up the “Inter-Galactic Wrestling / Electile Dysfunction” show with a flurry of touring in some of our favorite shitholes! So be sure to catch GWAR on their “Fights of Spring” tour 2009, you can find the tour dates at www.gwar.net
GWAR is also invading Europe this summer, with big shows at Bloodstock (England), Total Brutality (Czech Republic), Sziget Festival, and finally the biggest metal festival in Europe, Wacken!
31.07. – 01.08. Wacken –Wacken Open Air(Germany)
+KINGDOM OF SORROW + NAPALM DEATH + WALLS OF JERICHO 08.08. Jaromer – Brutal Assault Festival (Czech Republic)
+ BRUJERIA + GAMA BOMB + MADBALL + WALLS OF JERICHO
13.08. Budapest – Sziget Festival (Hungary)NEW
16.08. Burton upon Trent –Bloodstock Open Air Metal Festival(Great Britain)
There will some club dates as well so keep your eyes peeled (really!). Stay tuned for a very important announcement concerning not just only everything you need to properly worship GWAR but a few things you don't need, that are really fun anyway! Thats all for now, I have worlds to conquer, people to enslave!
Greetings, human SCUM! What the fuck is up, you gravy-licking pukes, wait, you...you guys are a bunch of punks! Just look at you! Drooling and smecking and dreaming of this or any other world's greatest band, MY band, the mighty GWAR! That's good, but that won't save you from the fact that you rotten kids make me sick! Pukes, the lot of ya...
Just had to get that off my balls. Now I have to get off my balls, my obese balls. It sucks when I sit on them. Well, where to begin? I hope all of you enjoyed the facial cumshot your girlfriend got during the finale of the awesome GWAR show you sucked off a goat to get tickets to. Even when my squirming jiz ate off half her face. Look on the bright side...now you can fuck the hole!
YES—GWAR has finished their (our) triumphant “Electile Dysfunction” tour, and following the end of carnage, we returned to Antarctica on blackened, whispering wings, to find the bitter solace that only the kiss of the tomb can bring. Whores! Blasphemers, and dogs! But return to what? For the matchless grandeur of the horrific ossuary that is the TEMPLE OF GWAR was destroyed in a nuclear onslaught brought on by the legions of the Nazi Pope, at the beginning of the last album! You do remember, don't you? You bought the album, RIGHT? Time has truly run downhill since we defeated the brutish Overlord of Hell, JEWCIFER, in the foyer of his summer-home (the notorious “Brisket Barn...”) Since then we did nothing but tour, and take heads, and burn money! We spurned the sodden Earth with hoof and horn, verily. But now (then) it is at an end, and as we draw closer to the inky, ice-slashed abyss we call our home, hopefully to take our leisure and squeeze our warts, we wonder what? What awaits us?
New album? New tour? 25h anniversary of GWAR celebrations in general? Box set (box filled with poo)? TV show? Huge festivals in Europe and New Jersey? What the hell is GWAR going to do to us this year, that they haven't done already? And when does this 25th anniversary even start? Has it started already? Is it over by now? I (you) simply have to know!
Well, my sperm-smeared lovelies, you'll get nothing from me. My drug-soaked noggin' craves naught but the oblivion of the Odin-Sleep, and what I want, I get, at least the bottom half. But soon, soon my children, you will know what is to come, and what is coming, and you shall know glee. Fiddle with yourself, for a bit...but know now, you soon will know what we know now. No?
GWAR ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION TOUR 2008
|Wed/Oct01||FT. LAUDERDALE, FL||Revolution - pre production day|
|Thu/Oct-02||FT. LAUDERDALE, FL||REVOLTION||ALL|
|Fri/Oct-03||ORLANDO, FL||CLUB AT FIRESTONE||ALL|
|Sat/Oct-04||ST PETERSBURGH, FL||JANNUS LANDING||ALL|
|Sun/Oct-05||TALLAHASSEE, FL||FLOYD'S MUSIC STORE||ALL|
|Mon/Oct-06||ASHEVILLE, NC||ORANGE PEEL||ALL|
|Wed/Oct08||NEW YORK NY||IRVING PLAZA||ALL|
|Thu/Oct-09||NEW HAVEN, CT||TOADS PLACE||ALL|
|Fri/Oct-10||BUFFALO, NY||TOWNHALL BALLROOM||ALL|
|Sun/Oct-12||BINGHAMTON, NY||MAGIC CITY MUSIC HALL||ALL|
|Mon/Oct-13||BURLINGTON, VT||HIGER GROUND||ALL|
|Tue/Oct-14||ALBANY, NY||SARATOGA WINNERS||ALL|
|Fri/Oct-17||NORFOLK, VA||THE NORVA||ALL|
|Mon/Oct-20||LOUISVILLE, KY||CLUB OASIS||ALL|
|Tue/Oct-21||MEMPHIS, TN||NEW DAISY THEATRE||ALL|
|Wed/Oct22||URBANA, IL||CANOPY CLUB||ALL|
|Thu/Oct-23||INDIANAPOLIS, IN||THE VOGUE||21+|
|Fri/Oct-24||GRAND RAPIDS, MI||INTERSECTION||16+|
|Sun/Oct-26||COLUMBUS, OH||NEWPORT MUSIC HALL||ALL|
|Tue/Oct-28||CLEVELAND,OH||HOUSE OF BLUES||ALL|
|Thu/Oct-30||CHICAGO,IL||HOUSE OF BLUES||ALL|
|Fri/Oct-31||MILWUAKEE, WI||THE RAVE||ALL|
|Sat/Nov-01||MINNEAPOLIS, MN||FIRST AVENUE||ALL|
|Sun/Nov-02||CEDAR RAPIDS, IA||HAWKEYE DOWNS||ALL|
|Mon/Nov03||FARGO, ND||THE VENUE||ALL|
|Fri/Nov-07||CALGARY, AB||MACEWAN HALL||ALL|
|Sat/Nov-08||EDMONTON, AB||EVENTS CENTER||ALL|
|Sat/Nov-15||SPOKANE, WA||KNITTING FACTORY||ALL|
|Sun/Nov-16||BOISE, ID||KNITTING FACTORY||ALL|
|Mon/Nov17||SALT LAKE CITY, UT||SALT AIR PAVILION||ALL|
|Tue/Nov-18||RENO, NV||THE NEW OASIS||ALL|
|Wed/Nov19||CHICO, CA||SENATOR THEATER||ALL|
|Thu/Nov-20||SAN FRANCISCO, CA||THE GRAND||ALL|
|Sat/Nov-22||VENTURA, CA||VENTURA THEATRE||ALL|
|Sun/Nov-23||SAN DIEGO, CA||HOUSE OF BLUES||ALL|
|Mon/Nov24||LOS ANGELES, CA||HOUSE OF BLUES||ALL|
|Tue/Nov-25||TEMPE, AZ||MARQUEE THEATRE||ALL|
|Wed/Nov26||TUCSON, AZ||RIALTO THEATRE||ALL|
|Fri/Nov-28||ALBUQUERQUE, NM||SUNSHINE THEATRE||ALL|
|Sun-Nov30||KANSAS CITY, KS||BEAUMONT MUSIC HALL||ALL|
|Mon-Dec01||SIOUX FALLS, SC||EXPO BUILDING||18+|
|Wed-Dec03||OKLAHOMA CITY, OK||DIAMOND BALLROOM||ALL|
|Thu-Dec04||DALLAS, TX||PALLADIUM BALLROOM||ALL|
|Fri-Dec-05||AUSTIN, TX||LA ZONA ROSA||ALL|
|Sat-Dec-06||CORPUS CRISTI, TX||CONCRETE ST. AMPHITHEATRE||ALL|
|Sun-Dec07||HOUSTON, TX||WAREHOUSE LIVE||ALL|
|Mon-Dec08||NEW ORLEANS, LA||HOUSE OF BLUES||18+|
|Wed-Dec10||LAFAYETTE, LA||GRANT ST. DANCE HALL||18+|
|Thu-Dec11||MOBILE, AL||SOUL KITCHEN||18+|
|Sat-Dec-13||MYRTLE BEACH, SC||HOUSE OF BLUES||ALL|
|Sun-Dec14||WASHINGTON DC||9:30 CLUB||ALL|
|Fri-Dec-19||PROVIDENCE, RI||LUPOS AT THE STRAND||ALL|
|Sat-Dec-20||PHILADELPHIA, PA||ELECTRIC FACTORY||ALL|
|Wed/Dec31||RICHMOND, VA||THE NATIONAL||ALL|
THE TEN SICKEST THINGS TO EVER HAPPEN AT/ DURING A GWAR SHOW
By Dave Brockie (a.k.a.) Oderus Urungus
1) DEAD ANIMALS THROWN AT BAND—At various shows in GWAR’s career, the band has been pelted with a dead cat (with an eyeball hanging out of it’s socket), a pair of dead sharks, a dead baby chicken, and a dead armadillo.
2) VOMIT BARRAGE—While performing at the infamous “Vera” squat in Groningen, Holland, the locals showed their love for GWAR by pelting them with cups of rotten dog vomit.
3) ON WITH THE SHOW—After suffering a near-fatal gunshot wound in an attempted car-jacking in Washington, D.C., guitarist Flattus Maximus (Pete Lee), continued to tour, even though he had a full colostomy bag, which would often be filling as the band played.
4) THE ULTIMATE SACRIFICE—During a show at Oakland’s Omni Theatre, a member of the crowd suffered a fatal neck injury after he got crushed by a boots-first balcony diver. Years later at a beach party in the area, a girl who had been hanging out with the band proudly revealed that she was the one responsible for the man’s death.
5) ANOTHER ARGUMENT FOR SHAVED HEADS—During a particularly violent show an unfortunate audience member was thrown up on the stage, inextricably winding his long hair around bassist Beefcake the Mighty’s (Casey Orr) tuning keys. As he stood there, helpless, he proceeded to absorb blow after heavy blow to the face as angry band members vented their frustration upon him. This continued until a GWAR slave appeared with a huge pair of scissors and de-maned the poor kid with a single stroke.
6) UP TO THE ELBOW—The show at L.A.’s Palace Theatre was going smoothly enough until lead singer Oderus (Dave Brockie) turned around and noticed one of the opening bands tour manager’s, in full view of the audience, attempting to ram his entire arm into the vagina of some passed out chick on the side of the stage.
7) THE PAUSE THAT REFRESHES—After a particularly hot show in Italy, GWAR’s representative of the fairer sex, Slymenstra Hymen (Danielle Stampe), hurried backstage to cool off. Upending a bottle of weird European water over her head, she quickly realized that someone had filled the bottle with hot man-pee.
8) WOODEN YOU KNOW IT? At a show at the infamously inadequate Jax in Springfield, Va., band members were horrified to see the barricade had been shoddily constructed out of flimsy wooden 2x2’s. It was almost instantly destroyed by the moshing crowd, leaving broken stakes jutting into the crowd at eye level. Impalement was barely avoided by the GWAR Slave’s wrapping foam rubber and duct tape around the jagged ends.
9) SHOCKING EXPERIENCE—While performing at the unbelievably crappy Insect Club in Norfolk, Va., lead singer Oderus, drunk as hell, reached up and grabbed the lighting truss, electrocuting and blowing himself several feet through the air until he crashed into the drum set.
10) THE SHOW ITSELF—Undoubtedly the sickest thing to ever happen at a GWAR show is…a GWAR show!
SLEAZY P. MARTINI, LEGENDARY UNDERWORLD MOGUL, TO RETURN TO THE ROCK STAGE WITH THE MIGHTY GWAR ON THEIR “ELECTILE DYSFUNCTION” TOUR 2008!
Greeting losers, it is I, the world's shrewdest man, Sleazy P. Martini, manager of GWAR, announcing an entertainment merger between GWAR, Mid-Galactic Wrestling and the 2008 Presidential Election, in a craptacular mashup of a tour we have named “Electile Dysfunction '08.” Due to popular demand, or cheap club owners that need to be "Martinied", after stiffing me last tour, I have personally come out of my semi-retirement of managing the entire porn industry to make sure that this will be the fairest and squarest test of American Presidential metal we can rig my way. Diebold can't stop the double dollop of degradation and destruction that Clinton and Obama will receive nightly at the hands of Oderus and Bone Snapper, or the torture that will see McCain mc-skinned as the candidates will be forced to prove their Presidential chops in the only arena that matters- the wrestling arena. Yes, all three candidates are on a fight card that also features Bozo Destructo and Sawborg Destructo, as the Desructo-Destucto Express, in a championship tag team match vs. GWAR that will determine Earth's future, for a couple of hours nightly. Yes, the American Presidency and the Mid-Galactic Wrestling belts are on the line, at your local Puko-Plex Organized Death Arena, and you dumb fucks will miss it-- unless you steal your mom's credit card and get tickets now!
It's politics decided by death sport, the kind of election America deserves.
Also on the bill will be Kingdom of Sorrow (featuring members of Hatebreed and Crowbar) and Portland’s thrash- lords Toxic Holocaust. Yeah, I own them, too!
-Sleazy P. Martini
Manager of GWAR.
THE DEMON OF FRANCE, PRINCE RAY PIERRE, IN FLIGHT ABOVE THE APOCALYPSE OF HIS MAKING
Greeting loyal bohabs, slaves, rag-na-rockers everywhere! Here is the latest report, from yours truly, ODERUS URUNGUS, on the activities of your favorite band from another world, the mighty GWAR! As our “May-hem” tour comes to a close, once again I am confronted by the knowledge that our fans rule! But I hated the name of the tour…”May-hem” sounds like we are a bunch of deranged dressmakers. My suggestion was shot down—“Spring Thing”. It made sense to me! It was spring, and I’m a thing. But anyhoo, great fun was had by all. I remember when I was but a stripling the intense hatred I had of any band whose members were over 30 years of age. Now we have legions of fans who worship a band where the youngest member is 30 million! And not even years, as our age is measured in quatloo’s! And if anybody out there can tell me what a quatloo is (and
what episode of old-school Star Trek it come from), I’ll eat a bowl of your snot.
Now it’s off to merry olde England to host the Golden Gods award ceremony, where I shall solidify my position as the Billy Crystal of heavy metal. Today the Golden Gods awards, tomorrow who knows? Maybe my life-long dream of hosting Jeopardy will be fulfilled. In response to your many queries, yes, I will be raping the Queen, at her request of course. Which leads to the question, is it rape if she asks for it? I don’t know, but all of this rape talk is making me horny. Judging from the turn-out on this little mini-tour, this fall/winter is going to be off the fucking hook! And even as I type the GWAR slaves are busy at the pit, preparing for yet another onslaught on the human race. The band is working on new material; in fact we have two new songs already, Song #1 and Song #2. I haven’t heard them yet, but I’m sure they rule. I prefer to never attend practice, and report to the recording studio the day of vocals completely oblivious to the way the songs sound. I walk in through the wall, vomit on the producer, and then proceed to pass out on the couch. They record me snoring and raving in my drugged-out stupor until they have enough noise for the record. Then they get the fuck out before I wake up. Supposedly David Hasselhoff also uses this approach. Unconventional to be sure! And of course everybody wants to know about the “secret project” that we plan to unveil on the 25th anniversary of GWAR’s re-awakening on Earth. Well, I’d tell you, but it’s so secret that even I don’t know what it is! Oderus clueless? Say it isn’t so, but of course it is. Well, gotta run, the penguins are restless and that can mean only one thing—it’s time to mount the madly flailing porno-cow, and into battle charge! I leave you with this amazing sculpture of yours truly by a human who goes by the name of Tyson Summers. Apparently Brockie (ass that he is), has owed this guy a piece of art for about 2 years or so, so he begged me to post this rather than actually execute the piece. Why anyone would even want a piece of Brockie’s art is beyond me, unless you don’t have a toilet. That’s it for now…stay fucking GWAR!!!!!!!!
ODERUS URUNGUS TO HOST GOLDEN GODS 2008 AWARDS!
Attention human scum! You in back, put the crack pipe down! And give it to me. Wait, no, fill it up first. With crack you idiot, not your bloody boogers! O.K., lets try again-- It is I, ME, ODERUS URUNGUS, ruler of Earth and lead singer of the sickest band in metal (or any other substance), the mighty GWAR, here to bombard you with an announcement of cosmic import! I farted! And also this—yours truly, I, me , Oderus Urungus (did I mention my name?) have been given the ass-splitting honor of hosting the most prestigious ceremony in the world of metal, the Metal Hammer Golden Gods 2008 awards, held at the IndigO2 (O2 Arena) in London, England! Yes, I am as confused as you are, considering that the only thing greater than the contempt I feel for all humans is my ignorance of the music they play. But I shall put aside all these feelings of hatred (because I wasn’t nominated for anything), and join with my metallic brethren and…sistren(?) in what promises to be the most debauched night in metal awards shows in London that I host history! This colossal event shall feature not one but two stages, and one of them is on a boat! And you know how I love boats, or at least sinking them. Job For a Cowboy and Bring Me the Horizon shall play as the murky waters of the Thames close about their heads! Then on to the main event, where DISTURBED, IN FLAMES, TESTAMENT and CHILDREN OF BODOM shall entertain with their sonic sickness, and, with a host of others that I have never listened to and am completely oblivious of, shall gather together under the banner of METAL (well, not really a banner of metal, I mean a banner is usually made out of cloth, but you get the picture)…but anyway, lots of hairy, smelly people will be getting together to get drunk and give each other awards, and apparently I will be announcing the winners from a podium or something. And your votes will decide the winners, as they wouldn’t agree with my idea of making these people fight to the death for the dubious honors over which they vie. So show your support for the loudest form of music in history, and go to http://www.metalhammer.co.uk to cast your votes. And make sure you vote for Municipal Waste as best underground act! Finally the night shall end (possibly) in the drug-soaked reverie of the dreaded after-party, where the members of Viking Skull will take turns vomiting in a moldy jock-strap, the chunks of which shall be distributed to the jeering crowd. After that the audience which has not wound up dead or in prison shall be free to leave. Mein Gott, what hath thou wrought! And I will be bashing, bellowing and barking out orders all goddamn night! And now to address that one problem with this whole proceeding—that I’m not nominated for anything! So I’m proposing a new category—“biggest cock in rock”…and the winner is…ME!
DISTURBED, IN FLAMES, TESTAMENT and CHILDREN OF BODOM are scheduled to perform at the Metal Hammer Golden Gods 2008 ceremony on Monday, June 16 at the IndigO2 (O2 Arena) in London, UK.
Hosted by Oderus Urungus from legendary metal crew GWAR, the Metal Hammer Golden Gods 2008 will boast the most elaborate production ever seen from a rock awards show. Metal Hammer will also host a second stage for the first time ever, aboard the Thames' finest vessel, the Dixie Queen. A bunch of rabid fans will get the chance to see live sets from some of the hottest up-and-coming metal bands in the world, including BRING ME THE HORIZON and JOB FOR A COWBOY, while chugging their way up the Thames to the O2.
For a complete list of this year's Metal Hammer Golden Gods nominees, click here.
MTV2 is once again confirmed as the TV partner to the Metal Hammer Golden Gods and will broadcast an exclusive Golden Gods program following the ceremony. XFM is the radio partner.
ODERUS SPOTTED IN PITTSBURGH WITH NEW GIRLFRIEND
Antarctic rock god and known despoiler of 83% of the surface world, ODERUS URUNGUS, lead singer of the mighty GWAR, was sighted recently in balmy Pittsburgh with this beautiful hag. The loving couple were observed sitting at a bus stop across from Heinz Field at 8:30 in the freezing morning cold for no apparent reason. This picture was snapped from the safety of a passing tank that moments later ran afoul of an insurgent roadblock. This apparent shift in affections marks Oderus's latest foray into love-land since his widely-witnessed anal break-up with Pookie the Wonder-Dog. Speculation as to the identity of this latest sexual conquest has ranged from the woman being Anastasia Romanov, the last surviving child of murdered Russian Czar Nicholas, to an ageing Mary Poppins. Speculation has ceased however, due to the discovery of the woman's fucked, burned, and headless body in a trash dumpster behind pardoned rapist's Jerome Bettis' bar.
When asked why the police have no apparent interest in the woman's identity, pig spokesman Jim Nasium said, "We're talking about GWAR here. If Oderus wants to come to town and rape old ladies, I'm not gonna stop him. In fact Oderus has called me personally to assure me the body was not my Mom and to offer the corpse to the general public as a free fuck-hole. Plus Jerome's place is a rape-free zone, meaning you're allowed to rape". In keeping with his master's wishes, Nasium will nail the woman's body to a tree outside the bar, where homeless people are encouraged to come by and "put their dicks in her".
GWAR is currently in their Antarctic fortress/ studio planning and producing their greatest work yet in celebration of next year's 25th anniversary. The band plans to do some limited touring this summer, go to Japan in September, and devastate the U.S. this fall with a their take on the American elections. This is expected to be a violent one.
WORDS FROM THE MASTER, ODERUS…yes, my faithful habs, we have triumphed yet again (ahhh, it’s almost passe’, this “triumph” thing), and have returned to our arctic playground of glorious ANTARCTICA (located, of course, in the arctic). Now that the hideous, gore-drenched events of the year 2007 have ground their way to a semi-apocalyptic conclusion, we pause, for the nonce, to consider what horrors we heaped upon others, and laugh about it.
MOM ALWAYS SAID TO EAT YOUR GUTS
We had slain so many. My sword and my arm became one-- a veritable cleaving machine for time eternal, and how our battles raged—I actually lost valuable blow-job time killing people! And people say I don’t have my priorities straight. Because I enjoy killing more than having sex -- no cum shot on the fall tour! What the fuck? Is Oderus losing his bloody load? I assure you not! But I know there were legions of load-barges that left these shows unfu-“filled”, and I promise to bring back to you TWICE, nay, THRACE (and if that wasn’t a word, it is now!) THRACE (so good I had to use it again) the moatloads of goatload you have come to expect, indeed, rely upon, to ram up into your diseased and gaping vadge, in hopes of spawning my mutant beast-brat, that it may gnaw it’s way free of your heinous hive-womb. And it’s even worse if you are a girl! Plus there were plenty of other loads spewed elsewhere—the inside of the bat-shaped helicopter looked like fucking Shelob’s lair! Just thinking about it makes me want to un-cork one… slippery Sam is four-fingers and one thumb on his way to a dickmeat sandwich! Hold on, this should take about 13 seconds. So go do something that will take you 13 seconds. Like eat the diarrhea out of your dying grandpa’s bedpan. Quick, before your Mom gets it! She loves to eat shit. Why else do you think she sleeps in the bath? So the whole family can crap on her!
Relax, gentle bohab, for you find your warty overlord at his leisure, ready to blab…let me get a drink, smoke, and while away some time with you, spinning vapid yet banal pleasantries to my stupefied attendants…it’s winter here in Antarctica, and the scientists have gone back to their various research stations (and these places are growing all the time…McMurdo Sound has a fuckng Starbucks!), but don’t you think that just because we have stopped touring our murderous fury has abated….NO, we gave these Antarctic tree-huggers HELL (well, I guess ice-berg huggers would be better), busting into their staff-meetings, bashing their equipment to a shambles, throwing helicopters filled with sled-dogs at them…how they begged for their lives. Word of advice---if I am ever about to kill you, and you beg for your life, please do…I love it! You’ll still die and all…if you really want to save your life suck my dick, I guess, that’s what this Norwegian scientist just did…is still doing in fact! So while I enjoy my suck-job (never got the term “blow-job…always seemed to be a lot more sucking involved), let me catch you up on what ever the fuck GWAR is doing, and what we plan on doing next. Quite simply, the most important news in the world!
Right now we are LOST. I know I’m in Antarctica, and I know I’m sitting amongst the flaming wreckage of a Norwegian research facility, fucking this chick’s head (the rest came loose), but I can’t find my fucking fortress. I mean, I’m wanting to kick back in the Hall of Human Hatred and get Burl Ives out of his box! But you may remember---on the last album---we LET OUR KEEP GET DESTROYED. Yeah, that’s right, now it can be revealed…I was NOT in a drug-induced stupor, well, not the kind of drugs that make you blow up temples. We let the temple get blown up because…um…I believe Devin thought that up! So we’ve been on our little tour of Hell (great place—and the best part for you guys is you probably ARE gonna get to go there..)…as we were on tour there, the Slaves that didn’t come with us (can’t quite remember their names) got to work building us a new Temple of GWAR, even better than the old one! Problem is…can’t seem to find it! Got the address and everything…Number 1, GWAR Temple Lane! But MapQuest works even shittier down here!
But I just wanted to bring up one thing for right now—the 25th ANNIVERSERY of GWAR on EARTH is only one year away! Start getting ready—the biggest party ever is right around the corner! And in fact the 24th year must be celebrated to it’s fullest extent, because it’s the last year before the 25th! And that makes it fucking rule! Our disease-ravaged brains have already conjured the battle-plans that will encompass both your complete and utter self-fulfillment so that afterwards life simply is not worth living anymore…but for now it is! GWAR’s 25th ANNIVERSARY is right around the corner! My labia quivers with glee! Wait, I don’t have a labia. Well, something is quivering down there…in the deepest and darkest conclave of conspiracy GREAT things are being planned—things that will make you so very happy, and so very dead, and GWAR so very covered in shit…more details I cannot reveal (because they don’t exist) but I pledge this… uh uh uh ahhhhhhhh….just blew this chicks jaw off…catch your breath while you can human…GWAR is planning our return!
THANKS SLAVETTE LYNETTE FOR THE COOL GWAR-SIGHTING!
Some other silly news…Oderus is appearing on a series of commercials for “HM” magazine, to debut on Headbanger’s Ball. In July the warty one (me!) travels to London to host the Metal Hammer Metal Awards, and is scheduled to rape Amy Winehouse (with someone else’s dick)! And finally listen for Oderus hosting his own travel segment on Bam Margera’s Faction radio show. Follow Oderus on his global quest to fuck a blue whale! No definite plans for touring except for the fall, when we do our best to destroy the elections…you never know though, GWAR might turn up anywhere, hopefully in your glove compartment. Do they still call them that? Do you keep gloves in them? I don’t fucking know! Back at ya soon loyal GWAR-riors, and thanks for making 2007 the biggest and best year in our filthy history!
Greetings to my legions of buboe-studded filth-mongers! It is I, again, ME, ODERUS…no need to be formal today, though that could change at any moment. We have begun the VIVA LA BANDS tour, and celebrated the opening show with an all-night coke and emu-screwing session. The table-talk centered around my great sexual girth, and the swing of my diseased castanets! It’s great to be back on the road, and it’s great to be screwing Don Vito up the fucking ass! He’s one tremendous cock-sucker. In fact, as someone who has brutally sodomized the entire Bam family, I must say that Don Vito’s flabby velvet recesses reek the most heavily of diseased cum. You must remember the lessons of Carl Panzram! After all, was I not, indeed, his personal Demonic Lord, and does not his screaming lemure even now writhe upon my Altar of Burning Syphillis?
After the show a lot of GWAR fans were like “What the fuck! Why isn’t GWAR headlining? And I’m like “we ARE headlining, it’s just this new thing where the headliners play next to last…” Personally I love it! We got done earlier and immediately starting gang-banging all the other bands groupies, then started a Gein-Shrine with the flayed bits of the crew. Fucking excellent! We left Baltimore, home of H.B.O.’s “The Wire”, in flames, rapidly shrinking in our rear view mirror…here’s what we played in last night’s set!
WAR IS ALL WE KNOW-KROSSTIKA -GO TO HELL - BRING BACK THE BOMB – -SADDAM – TORMENTOR-IMMORTAL- BDF -MURDERER'S MUSE -EIGHTH LOCK-YG
The beatings will continue for several weeks, and then Viva la Bam will be over, yet we shall continue to host our frenzied yet lethal orgies of bestial, nut-busting hump sessions, all in continuing support of our greatest record ever, “BEYOND HELL”, if you didn’t buy it you suck! People are like “GAWD GWAR plays so many shows!” and I’m like “What? You dare mention GAWD in my presence? DIE!!!” And yet another band/ fan encounter goes violently south. Here’s a demon from a really cool movie called “Curse of the Demon” Some might say that that Oderus got his looks from this guy. I assure you that quite the opposite is true!
THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE TO GO “BEYOND HELL”. COME OUT, DROP DOWN, AND EXPOSE YOURSELF TO GWAR’S FINAL LEG. THIS IS THE LAST TOUR U.S. /CANADA TOUR FOR A WHILE AS GWAR WILL BE RETURNING TO THE VASTNESS OF OUR ANTARCTIC STRONGHOLD (recently rebuilt). SO GROVEL IN THE PRESENCE OF YOUR INFERNAL OVERLORDS AND GET COMPLETELY WASTED ON THE LAST BLOOD-MAD SPASM OF GWAR SHOWS! ‘NUFF SAID!
Greetings human filth! It is I, Oderus Urungus, lord and master of this world and everything that crawls, falls, and balls upon it! Coming at ‘cha with yet another chapter in the continuing saga that is this site. Currently you will find your warty overlord on the road, playing what is going to go down in history as the coolest concert event of the summer—the Sounds of the Underground tour! After two years of playing the “halftime show”, the powers that be have finally realized that the only place for GWAR is at the top of the heap! And GWAR responds to the challenge with yet another show of titanic proportion. Dog’s balls will be licked and fingered, rival’s heads shall decorate poles, fans will be slaughtered at an alarming rate, and in addition to that we will actually be playing music! As usual, there are a slew of cool bands on the bill. Hail to Chimaira, back with us on SOTU! Of particular interest is the inclusion of our buddies, Goat Whore, on this years line-up. Love that band, love those guys. I’m so glad they didn’t drown when New Orleans got soaked. So come out, support metal, and donate your life to GWAR and the only festival tour with the balls to book us! In the meantime here’s a little piece of art I did for some weirdo in Holland. A self portrait, inspired by the movie 300!
So what does the rest of the year hold for GWAR? Relentless touring, that’s what! We’re out all summer with SOTU, culminating with our big welcome home show at Toad’s Place in Richmond, Aug. 15th! Then there will be a little time off for us to return to Antarctica and beat down the local penguins. Then something very exciting will be happening! I will be appearing at the Rue Morgue horror convention in Toronto, Canada, along with all kinds of horror luminaries—but I’m very excited because I get to meet Charisma Carpenter! So come out and visit with yer old buddy Oderus Urungus in a context other than a filthy GWAR show!
Then just because it must be so, GWAR will be out again in late September on a very high profile tour that at this time must remain nameless! But before I leave let me quickly touch on something other than my flaccid penis. I had some Bohabs mouthing off to me (hiding behind the internet, of course) about how they expected a brand new show every time we go out the door. Well forget it! First of all, how dare you expect ANYTHING of GWAR? You are the slave’s, we are the masters! And to expect anything but continued abuse is folly indeed! For that is all you shall ever receive! How the fuck are we supposed to come up with a brand new show every time we go on tour when we spend eight months of the year on the road? You are LUCKY that we put any effort at all into ANYTHING that you miserable fucks can come witness as entertainment! You forget your place I think! So if I want to stumble out on stage, vomit, and then pass out in an oblivious heap, call it a GWAR show, and charge 100 bucks to see it, SO BE IT! In fact, that’s exactly what I did last night in Tulsa, and they fucking loved it!
Finally, because you asked for it, or more like we said you could have it and never showed it to you, GWAR and LabProductions
present the latest and greatest GWAR video, directed by the amazing Chris Trainor in the bowels of hell somewhere beneath
New Orleans, Slave Pit is proud to present "Eighth Lock"
About halfway done with our Europe tour. See you this summer when GWAR headlines
the Sounds of the Underground summer festival tour!
GWAR UK/ EUROPEAN BEYOND HELL TOUR '07
|Carling Academy, Liverpool, UK. (500/1,200)
Rock City, Nottingham, UK. (1,900)
Academy2, Manchester, UK. (900)
Rio, Bradford, UK. (900)
Wulfrun Hall, Wolverhampton, UK. (1,000)
Sincity, Swansea, UK. (500)
Bierkeller, Bristol, UK. (800)
Mean Fiddler, London, UK. (1,000)
Woughton Centre, Milton Keynes, UK. (450)
Muziek-o-droom, Hasselt, Belgium. (850)
La Cartonnerie, Reims, France. (800)
La Locomotive, Paris, France. (1,200)
Paradise Garage, Lisbon, Portugal. (700)
Jas Rod, Marseille, France. (500)
Transilvania Live, Milan, Italy. (600)
Grabenhalle, St. Gallen, Switzerland. (400)
Schlachthof, Wiesbaden, Germany. (1,500)
Garage, Saarbrücken, Germany. (1,500)
Club Vaudeville, Lindau, Germany. (700)
Ludwigsburg , Germany.
Backstage, Munich, Germany. (1,500)
Arena, Vienna, Austria. (900)
A38, Budapest, Hungary. (700)
Posthof, Linz, Austria. (700)
Abaton, Prague, Czech Republic.
Talschock, Chemnitz, Germany. (900)
Lindenpark, Potsdam, Germany. (900)
Markthalle, Hamburg, Germany. (1,100)
The Rock, Copenhagen, Denmark. (600)
Roxy, Flensburg, Germany
Capitol, Hannover, Germany. (1,500)
X, Herford, Germany. (1,500)
Kulturfabrik, Krefeld, Germany. (1,100)
Dynamo, Eindhoven, The Netherlands. (450)
Patronaat, Haarlem, The Netherlands. (900)
Straight Outta Antarctica—Today
From the beer-can and dirty needle filled coffin of ODERUS URUNGUS…
(slave note: this is not really a written statement from Oderus Urungus, this is just the mumblings that a few of us slaves heard when we were spreading crack around his crypt, trying to wake him up for the next tour. And yes we can write, what do you think we are, a bunch of cavemen?)
With the fart-flecked fecal finality of an entire planet full of sundered sphincters, spackling scat all the while, the crack-crazed MASTERS of monster metal AND your VERY FUCKING SOUL (yes, it's true!)…GWAR smugly announces the latest assault in the continuing campaign of chaos that is the BEYOND HELL TOUR 2007! EUROPE MUST BE DESTROYED!!! I've had it with these guys! Recently some tourists from Antarctica went to Europe (which is apparently one big country now) on a much deserved vacation and were immediately thrown in some sort of weird jail where people came around and just looked at ‘em through the bars…now whether or not this has anything to do with these friends of mine being penguins, I don't know but I am coming to bust ‘em out (even though they don't want to leave, as they are being treated very well…)…GWAR is returning to Europe for a bloody re-union with our faithful fans—and there hasn't been such a promising blood-letting since Pepin the Small saved France from the Muslims! The new album has just been released over there and we are returning to a filth-ridden shithole near you…oh that's right I'm not talking about a U.S. tour…NO! GWAR is returning to Europe, Lordi beware!
Whats up scum! It is I, ME, that dude...ODERUS URUNGUS, Lord of Earth and now everything that is beneath it. After an unmitigatedly relentless year of bloodletting and debauchery, after endless touring followed by more shows, GWAR decided to take a little break from breaking things and concentrate on our drinking. But such pleasures don't stand alone for long! Drunkeness must be combined with sex, violence and ear-splitting METAL, or all is lost! So that means...you guessed it, more touring! The brothers in hate that form the most destructive band in world history have begun to stir in the bowels of our Antarctic stronghold, preparing for another phase in our endless campaign of dominance and destruction. So look for another year colossal carnage in continuing support of our layest and greatest album, BEYOND HELL!
First off, prepare yourself for the release of the second video from BEYOND HELL--prepare yourself for "Eighth Lock", without a doubt the sickest GWAR video ever. But don't expect to see it on Headbangers Ball, it's so full of blood and sloppy buckets of curdled monkey cum that it is going straight to YouTube....very soon! Here's a little shot of the boys on set. We're so hot!
The final touches are being put on it even as I break endless keyboards with my violent typing. So look for an announcement within the next week as to where you can find it. But that's not all of the video shit I've been up too...check gwar.net for silly shit I did for Blender and AOL. And here's a ridiculous little ditty I did for my patrons at MarsGolf--the first and hopefully not last Oderus golfing video. Boy, you can tell I was smoking a lot of pot that day! Just look up "MarsGolf GWAR" on YouTube and you'll go straight to it. Or something. Besides that we are gearing up for yet another year of relentless touring--off to Europe in March, then back to America for a summer festival tour of some sort (soon to be announced, but I think you know the only summer tour with the balls to book GWAR, and it ain't Ozz-fest or the Warped tour)! Then back to Europe for two festivals in August (first over there in years), and finally a huge co-headlining tour this fall (also TBA but it is going to be a fucking HUGE line-up)! Hurumph, I say, while farting loudly, large pieces of hot turd exploding from my wretched ass! So look for another year of torment from your sloppy masters...we love it, and can't wait to spread anal syphllis on an intercontinental scale! But now the pleasures of the all-you-can-rape midget buffet beckons...I'm outta here, but have no fear--GWAR shall be amongst ye soon!
Dec. 8th, 2007...Somewhere on the road...The BEYOND HELL tour is reaching it's blood-soaked conclusion! Everynight our fine following of fanatical BOHABS and GWAR BITCHES has paid the ultimate price for their years of devotion to GWAR---they have died! Thus ends another completely triumphant tour, but once again we have failed to destroy the human race. Oh well, if we did that, no one would come to our shows! But I dither. Let's move on to some breaking news that is just in...
Slave Pit is proud to present the rebirth of MIND CONTROL MONTHLY. You may remember MCM as the not-quite-monthly fanzine concerned with all things GWAR and Slave Pit. It languished and died some time in the mid-90's, and it's passing was lamented by many. Well, then Al Gore invented the internet! So MCM is back! Thats right kiddies, Hellspawn, our ally in evil and manager of BOHAB CENTRAL, has pledged to rebuild this venerated institution of GWAR, and I, ODERUS URUNGUS, have pledged my full support to this endeavor. Which should mean little more than contributing this! Use MCM to keep up with the latest lies and deciet coming out of the Fortress of your infernal overlords, the mighty GWAR! For example, what follows is some of that breaking news that I mentioned earlier...
While passing through New Orleans, GWAR hooked up with LabProductions, House of Shock, and The Louisiana Film Initiative to produce the latest and what is going to go down in history as the greatest GWAR video ever made! Apparently New Orleans wasn't completely wiped out Katrina, and the local community responded heartily to the challenge of rising from the ashes and showing the world that they had returned with a vengeance! And what better way of doing that than by volunteering the services of 100 + New Orleans artists, providing the location of the famed horror attraction House of Shock, and getting the sickest band in the world (us) to provide you with the ultimate track from their bone-crushing new album (GWAR, Eighth Lock), in order to make the sickest GWAR video ever! And dammit if that's not exactly what we did! Here's a link to a bunch of super cool production stills! Then after shooting all day, GWAR made a beelibne to the famed House of BLues where we gave one of the greateset shows in our fucking history, and it was all because of the city of New Orleans--we love you, and when the planet Earth is finally destroyed, you will be spared!
Greetings wretch! It is I, ME, ODERUS, your lord and master!
Back for the very pits of
Hell to offer you painful abuse and random suffocation...and all the while touring
with the sickest band in history! Of course I am talking about my band,
OUR band, the band we have all loved and died for ...THE MIGHTY GWAR! VS.
in the biggest, sickest, most glorious GWAR tour ever! THE ONE THAT WILL NOT BE
NAMED HAS BEEN...NAMED...
(thanks to inertia productions for the photo, but you don't have to put the logo right in the middle of the cool shit!)
Here's a red-hot update! GWAR will be shooting a video to the song "8th Lock", and it's going to be the sickest GWAR video EVER. We are shooting at New Orleans famed HOUSE OF SHOCK, plus at the show at 'Nawlin's House of Blues that night! And it's our first time back to the Big Easy since it's near-destruction...so if you are lucky enough to be planning on going to that show, you might end up in our new video!
Just to clear up some shit, let me eat it....O.K , only a few pounds, and from that midget from the Geico commercial. It may please you to know I have liberated the "cavemen" from that commercial, and brought them to Antarctica, where they are even as I speak are living a life of opulence and ease. I mean, they have suffered enough. Geez, I'm watching too much human television. ANYWAY we are out on our massive "Beyond Hell" tour, ravaging all that stand before us in our savage, yet brutal, caress. City after city burn with the very flames of Hell, and yet you continue to throw yourselves upon our blazing altar of syphllis. "Beyond Hell", our heaviest album ever, is now infecting the world, and GWAR answers the call with our most ground-devouring tour yet! North America shall reel beneath our boundless wrath! And so far no News Years Eve Show, we finally get the night off...YOU can entertain US for a change. Then GWAR shall return to Europe in the early part of 2007, returning again in the summer for festivals of barbaric proportion, to continue the merciless re-conquest of the old country that we began last year! Asia beckons like a far-away whore, Australia, South America.... "Beyond Hell" is a world-wide release, and that means there are no limits to the swath of destruction GWAR shall reap across your world "o" filth!
More specifically, no, I don't know when and if we are going to do another video from "Beyond Hell". We'd like to, especially the song "Eighth Lock", which we wanted to do from the start, and make it super-sick...but we listened to the label, who was bugging the shit out of us to do a cover of some sort. They felt that perhaps a cover could break GWAR into mainstream radio and sell a buttload of records. Ridiculous! So we started trying to figure out what cover...first we thought "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. would be good...then I had the idea of doing "If You Want Blood" from AC/DC...in the video we would resurrect Bon Scott from the dead and replace that lame fucker Brian Johnson and his stupid hat. You know what the label said? "Nobody knows who Bon Scott is." ????????? So anyway when I was really fucked up they snuck up on me and somehow shot the "Schools Out" video while I wasn't looking! Not that I'm complaining that much. It's getting played on Headbangers quite a bit, and even had some decent radio success, and we are selling more albums, but it just doesn't represent the true heavy hatred of the real body of work that is "Beyong Hell"....but you guys know that already! So get out there and get all of your lameass friends who secretly love GWAR as much as you do to actually buy this record and blast the fuck out of it! I command it!
Finally, last night in Albany, N.Y., we had what I call "The Grandmother Show". Three generations of GWAR fans from one family. Rico, his Mom, and HER MOM all showed up in their GWAR best to enjoy the festivities. I knew this would happen one day but not so soon! I guess now we have the "Great-Grandmother Show" to look forward to...I'm out, gotta hit the stage and take some heads with me. It's fun being me. Even when some douch in Norfolk pegged me with a golf ball! Hey numbnuts, I'm Oderus! Indestructible yet erudite! And I'm on a mother-fucking roll!
AND NOW ON TO THE REST OF THE SITE!
It has begun! Sounds of the Underground has started it's bludgeoning progress across North America. Regulated to the "halftime show", slot again, this year we get an extra 5 minutes to play! Meanwhile, just about every other band of last years SOTU is on this year's Oz-Fest. Gotta love this business. because if you didn't, you'd go insane. So far none of the other bands are dicks and the food has been good. But that won't stop me from making a blood bath and beyond of every human I come in contact with. So when yer watching your other favorite cool bands at this years SOTU, remember they have been re-animated. Keep up with the latest from the summer's coolest tour at Sounds of the Underground
The new album is out Aug. 29th, I think! And damned if "School's Out" isn't getting some good airplay! Like real radio stations, like those Clear Channel ones...DON'T WORRY, I could care less....what's important is that YOU, the faithful Bohab, know that the only reason we did this silly cover (and the equally silly video soon to come) is to LURE in new legions of fans who have hardly ever even heard of GWAR, save for shadowy rumors of death and depravity. Supposedly a DJ in Louisville, KN., actually QUIT HIS JOB when a Clear Channel program director forced him to play GWAR, and that's gotta be a good thing. So keep supporting the summer's coolest cover and helping GWAR pave the way for the looming release of our greatest record yet, BEYOND HELL, produced by Devin Townsend!
Here's some cool new shit that we have to sell you. That Bloodbath and Beyond is pretty fucking good, I mean I am one funny mother fucker. And remember if that's not enough for you then maybe you need to check out Slave Pit Television for the very latest is our asinine antics! Here's a "Call and Response" review I did for some zine you'll never read. I didn't know the bands at all, with a few exceptions.
What's up. Oderus Urungus here. When I got this “call and response” thing, I immediately got offended, and then quickly violent. The temerity, the impertinence! To think that you could just “call” out to Oderus, ruler of Earth, and he would ‘respond” to you. Maybe with a sword to the head! So I smashed through the wall and worked over the local police department for a couple of hours. After the city was in flames I finally realized that there was something to this request after all—I could take the opportunity to thrash and malign others, as only I can. Cool! I hate everybody, especially bands that people like. I mean to think that people make music and record it and listen to it….well, it's nauseating. And considering that I don't even know who did these songs makes it even better—maybe I can piss off some people that I am on tour with! So here we go….
“Hard Rock Hallelujah” O.K., I had heard this song before…it's Lordi, right? Wow, this song sucks. This is the band that everybody is making such a fuss over? Why? There's nothing new here. Sounds like Billy Idol or Def Leppard but with neither of these acts talent. Very slick production that only accentuates this songs asinine nature. A message of mediocrity against a backdrop of the banal. Of course I heard they have some cool costumes…apparently they dress up like GWAR. But that sucks. I always hated bands that dressed up on stage in stupid costumes. I mean if your music sucks then fuck off. What's that you say? Hey buddy, these are my CLOTHES.
“The Day I Tried to Live” Wow, where do I start…O.K., I really hated it. Here's why--why the fuck is this band covering Soundgarden song? The song is not that old and this version is not that different than the original. What's the fucking point? If there is one it's retarded.
“Miss Murder” I didn't hate it, and once again I have no clue who the hell this band is. I think it must be one of those emo/screamo/ kind of bands that everybody is always bitching about. I think people are just jealous because a lot of these bands are getting rich. I don't really get the whole wearing girls pants thing. But who the hell am I to judge anyone, I've got a dead midget hanging out of my ass. So back to the song, well, let me listen to it again…O.K. I didn't hate it.
“The League of Extraodinary Graverobbers” Now this is more like it! Lot of bands sound like this and I love ‘em all. There really isn't a much better way to say FUCK YOU to the world than to play bands like this REALLY LOUD. But once again my ignorance is showing because I have no clue who this is…sounds like Carcass, so I'll just pretend it is. I love Carcass! I'm pretty interested know, so what the hell, lets Google it…OK, I know I just cheated, but that's O.K. cuz' now General Surgery has a new fan, maybe, unless I buy the record and hear basically a complete Carcass rip-off, which is kinda what I am starting to suspect already. Who gives a shit anyway.
“Promiscuous Girl” This odious little dittie concerns Nelly and his attempts to fuck some bitch that seems to think her shit doesn't stink. Basically he tells her he wants to nail her and she tell's him she's not a ho. Then they go shopping or something. Then I think he fucks her. This song would have been a lot better with a big Eazy-E (back from the dead) guest appearance. He coulda slapped the shit out of this bitch the second she fucking started running her trap, then shoved his cock down her throat. The rest of his crew forces Nelly, at gunpoint, to his knees to watch the whole thing. Eazy blasts the ‘ho with a UZI, and then makes Nelly suck off his pit-bull! This is getting good. Damn, I'm great.
“Hyperventilation System” – Not only do I not know what the name of this band is, I don't know what kind of band this band is trying to be… I listened to this song over and over again and definitely felt confused, but not overtly hateful. I mean, if the lead singer had been in the room I wouldn't have killed him outright, I would have asked about his band and then rammed a sword through his eye socket. I mean, if this is your idea of good music, and you like it, then you will enjoy it…right?…I was kinda on the fence for a while, but I heard the word “Satan” in the song and decided it was cool. Then I listened again and wasn't so sure. Moving on.
“Brand New” Kinda cool, sorta Helmut-ty Prong-y kinda vibe. Drums really sound like crap though. No room sound, no warmth. Sounds like it was recorded in a can. Very tinny. No sub-attack. Poor recording of a cool band. Who the fuck is it though? I will probably Google it later.
“Not Alone” The best thing about this song is that it is the last one! After a completely gay beginning, the song gets heavy in a way that was hideously reminiscent of Nickleback. You just know the singer is a complete jerk with a girlfriend who's a famous actress. May this band perish in a horrific tour bus accident. Pure shit.
Oderus Urungus, SOTU 2005
That's right bitches, the best ass in Rock is back onstage for another summer of revolting fun!
Come get defiled by the living gods of your Earth, doomed to die!
Come get shit spattered on you from 5 directions at once! Come worship GWAR and your death will be easier!
Come to see a lot of other cool bands as well.
OK scum, it is I, ODERUS URUNGUS, overlord of Toilet Earth and lead singer of the most dangerous band on this or any other planet--GWAR! Here to give you a quick update/review on the upcoming events and disasters that are set to plague this planet in the wake of GWAR's latest assault upon your sense and sensibility!
First off, it's DONE! "BEYOND HELL" our latest and greatest studio release to date, is mixed and mastered and ready to drop on your heads! Produced by the amazing Devin Townsend, I can say with utmost confidence that this one is going to take yer fucking head off! The record doesn't get released til' Aug. 29th but that is not going to stop us from letting you hear the first single from the album. That's right, we actually have done a single for radio play in a desperate attempt to expand GWAR's dominion of this world to the FM airwaves! But what's this you say? That GWAR's music is simply TOO FUCKED UP to ever make it on the radio--well, yer right! And that's why, for the first time in GWAR history, we have covered someone else's music! But not just anybody! Nobody less than Alice Cooper, who is rumored to be a Scumdog himself! GWAR pays homage to the original master of shock rock, with a bone-crushing version of his most famous song--that's right, GWAR has covered "School's Out" as the anthem of the summer and the rallying cry for legions of fed-up drop-outs everywhere. Demand it from your local lame-ass radio station all summer long, and hear us play it live on the mammoth Sounds of the Underground tour, coming soon to a burning city near you! And just to catch you up on the various other GWAR activities, Slave Pit Television is going strong, with new chapters being added every week! The new video, "Bloodbath and Beyond", will be out this summer! As I mentioned earlier, we will be dominating the Sounds of the Underground tour all summer, and then this fall go on a HUGE headline tour. Plus I've had my pet hemmorhoid "Blinky" replaced with several more that are even nastier. Rejoice children, it's almost time---GWAR will amongst you soon!
Nice place! Wonder who lives there, and what the fuck it's doing here?
Slave Pit Central, March 23 rd , 2006
Everyone (except everybody else) was ecstatic when GWAR put out “Violence Has Arrived” in 2001—it marked GWAR's triumphant return to metal, and the world breathed a collective sigh of relief that we hadn't put out another “We Kill Everything”, no matter how much they might have enjoyed having sex with animals! Ecstasy turned to unbridled glee when GWAR put out “War Party” in 2004, because it was obvious to all that GWAR was going to keep it heavy. “War Party” led to the best year in GWAR's blood-soaked history—people were forced to accept the fact that not only did GWAR put on the greatest show on this or any other planet, but they were also a musical force to be reckoned with. Some 240+ shows later, GWAR returned to the frozen waste of Antarctica with a 9-ton crack boulder, ready to plan the next phase in their never-ending yet ultimately futile campaign to destroy the planet and escape earth once and for all. Well, the crack boulder is down to a mere half-ton, so it is time—time for GWAR to return to realms of man with a new album, show, and all kinds of other cool shit to appease your lust for all things GWAR. So here is a brief explanation of what to expect and look forward to in what is shaping up to be the biggest and sickest chapter in GWAR's crummy career of complete chaos.
First up, GWAR and Slave Pit are as pleased as a pimply porcupine to announce that none other than the incredible Devin Townsend (Strapping Young Lad, producer of about a million killer bands) will be co-producing the new GWAR record, tentatively entitled “Go to Hell!”. The bulk of the material is already completed, and recording at Flattus/Cory's Karma Studio's begins in early April. Then Oderus and Flattus will travel to the semi-frozen wasteland of Vancouver (in the bat-shaped helicopter, of course), to mix and master what is without a doubt going to be the heaviest album in GWAR's discography. To ensure this every album will come with a large brick, that fans are encouraged to throw at someone. The concept of the album is the closest thing to a rock opera that GWAR has done since “Ragnarok”, and concerns GWAR's epic journey into the tunnels and caverns that honeycomb your world, a journey not only to escape their earthly prison “from within”, but also to find and confront this so-called “Satan”, who seems to think that he is a bigger bad ass than Oderus. Along the way GWAR encounter's a bevy of demonic dickheads and hapless victims, all ready to die for your entertainment. The album will also have a special “enhanced” section, with incredible behind-the-scenes footage and GWAR knows what else! Look for GWAR's latest and greatest album yet to hit the stores in September.
If you don't know already, GWAR is confirmed for this years Sounds of the Underground festival tour. GWAR will once again have the “halftime show” slot, and the line-up is fucking incredible. And the best part? No fucking emo! So look for the dreaded “Golf Cart of Death” on this summer's coolest festival tour! More or less around that time, Slave Pit and DRT will release a new DVD—titled “Bloodbath and Beyond”, this will be a behind and in front of the scenes history of all things GWAR and Slave Pit, including tons of rare and never-before scenes of consummate carnage. For example, you will witness the glory of “Filthy Chunks”, an unreleased porno movie filmed in the “Scumdogs” era, starring Oderus and the Sexecutioner, and a previously unheard of video for “Poor Old Tom”, directed (poorly) by Oderus Urungus. The DVD will be hosted by Oderus and Sleazy in a completely retarded “Siskel and Ebert” format. Yuks for all, you hump!
And now for something completely different. A man with three buttocks. This one is just silly. Apparently GWAR has been awarded a “Lifetime Achievement Award” by the Live Action Role Playing Society . This is a big deal! Tons of cool/famous/creative/completely geeked-out people are a part of this thing, and GWAR will be honored at a huge awards ceremony in Hollywood's Shrine Theater on April 29 th , 2006. But that's not even the best part—the pre-awards party is going to be held the night before at the Playboy mansion, where GWAR will actually perform 2 songs! Somebody pinch me!
Finally Slave Pit and Shocker Toys are proud to announce the release of a full-line of GWAR action-figures, meticulously crafted in painstaking detail by the very talented people at Shocker Toys. The figures will be released in three sets of three figures, and the schedule is as follows—
Oderus, Beefcake, and Techno-Destructo
Balsac, Jizmak, and Bozo-Destructo
Flattus, Slymenstra, and Sleazy P. Martini
Each set comes with a Slave, various weapons, and whatever instrument the enclosed figure plays (poorly). The first set will debut at this years San Diego Comic Con , with the follow-ups coming out soon after. GWAR fans play with dolls!
Other even murkier events and products are lurking just beneath the horizon, so don't you fret, faithful bohab! As you go through the mundane, banal, and nauseating minutia that comprises the sum total of your life, the GWAR slaves are working their asses off, preparing the war machines that GWAR will utilize in this latest and greatest assault upon your planet and the realms that lay below it. GWAR is coming, down your throat, up your butt, and all over Satan's tits (all seven of them). Prepare human filth, GWAR is going to hell, and we're taking you with us!
FEATURING YOUR HOST, ODERUS URUNGUS!!!!!!!!
Hey you greasy bung-mongers, I'm fucking back! Despite an entire year of non-stop murder, mayhem, and yes, blatant tomfoolery, GWAR has emerged from our trials semi-triumphant, sperm-spackled, and of course sexier than a bag of designer pig-dicks. Yes, once again, it is I, ODERUS URUNGUS, Lord and Master of this world and all the wretched creatures that writhe within it's bowels or squirm across it's surface (with the exception of my pet hemorrhoid, Blinky. He is MY master, and if you've ever had a hemorrhoid, you know what I mean). I'm here to re-cap what was one of the greatest years in GWAR's eternal journey and set the stage for this years debauchery- and it's going to fucking rule. Even though I have no idea what's going to happen.
The WAR PARTY is officially disbanded. Despite overwhelming support from the Muslim world, we have decided to forego our political aspirations and concentrate more on blowing AIDS- infested semen on underage gerbils. Fuck politics anyway. Pretending to be a political party didn't help much--as usual we failed to escape the planet, fell short of annihilating the entire human race, and couldn't even get an audition for “Celebrity Mouth-fuck”. But damn it we had a good time trying. I got eaten by Gor-Gor at least 250 times, chopped off countless heads (because I can't count), and pissed off Phil Anselmo. We returned to Europe , re-conquered Canada , and actually got on a festival tour (Sounds of the Underground, which we are already confirmed for this summer). That led to another headline tour, celebrating the 20 th anniversary of GWAR's de-thawing. In short, it was the busiest and most action-packed year in our blood-soaked history. And if I may be nice to you for one short moment, it was the undying devotion of the legions of GWAR fans out there that made it possible. Never in the history of rock has a band enjoyed the fanatical support of such a group of beautiful fucking freaks, especially when their heroes are trying to kill them. Sooner or later the entire world will be licking our toes, and your un-relenting support will be rewarded with an undying death. O.K., moment over, I hate you again.
So after a couple months of lying around the Slave Pit, we have raised ourselves from our shit-smeared divans and began the bloody business of preparing ourselves for the next onslaught of GWAR. You want details? You want song titles? Well forget it. But even as I type (breaking hundreds of computers in the process), the grinding gears of Slave Pit are inexorably preparing to unleash yet another onslaught upon your much-ravaged world, an onslaught that will hopefully be the final chapter in the sordid epic that chronicles GWAR's domination and eventual destruction of this place, our adopted home, this Toilet Earth. So enjoy this, the hush before the storm, because before you know it a worm-spewing goat penis is going to be rammed down you throat! Stay tuned, scum!
Forged in the furnaces of the Master's Slave-Pits. Created to be the most destructive force in the universe. Banished to Earth for colossal crimes too hideous to be named. GWAR, the most bellicose band in cosmic history, is back from the frozen wasteland of Antarctica with their most searing musical assault to date-prepare yourself, human filth, for the metal mayhem that is GWAR's latest and greatest album to date--prepare yourself for "WAR PARTY".
ODERUS URUNGUS--Throat-thing and two-handed sword
BALSAC THE JAWS OF DEATH--Guitar and bear-trap
JIZMAK THE GUSHA--Drums and brain-clotted club
FLATTUS MAXIMUS--Guitar and colossal gas
BEEFCAKE THE MIGHTY--Bass and massive war-axe
GWAR commands you to bow in utter and abject abeyance to the WAR PARTY. With one chop of a bloody battle-axe, GWAR decapitates the leadership of all political movements, and proclaims themselves the only and true overlords of this wretched planet and all beings that cling to it. GWAR bans all elections, successions, and religions, and orders all humans to join the WAR PARTY, under the battle standard of the mighty KROSSTIKA. The WAR PARTY declares war not only on terror but everything else as well. GWAR allies all warring factions into one great seething ball of hate, distributes free crack and nuclear weapons, and let's the killing begin. All this to the soundtrack of the apocalypse--WAR PARTY--with blistering tracks like "Krosstika" and "Womb With a View", your every orifice will explode with pus! Epic cuts like "Decay of Granduer" will have you writhing in masochistic glee, and from the moment you hear the hateful fury of the album's opening track, "Bring Back the Bomb", you'll be convinced that WAR PARTY is the most spine-shattering, kneecap-splitting, brain-boiling GWAR album ever!!!
ALBUM OUT, TOUR STARTS OCTOBER 26TH, 2004
THAT'S RIGHT WORMS. THE SICKEST BAND IN METAL HISTORY IS BACK WITH THEIR HEAVIEST ALBUM YET. 2004 SHALL GO DOWN AS THE TIME OF THE FINAL RECKONING--THE TIME OF THE KROSSTIKA. WHEN THE ENTIRE HUMAN RACE WENT MAD. "SPECICIDE"--A NEW WORD TO SAY.
OCTOBER 26TH SEES THE DAWN OF THIS FINAL DEATH. NEW ALBUM. NEW TOUR. AND THE GREATEST GWAR EVER. STEP BACK, MIDGET!
llustration by Maguire/Brockie
GWAR is currently gearing up for a huge
2004 including a new album, DVD, and relentless touring.
The fur begins to fly in April when GWAR embarks on their first coast-to-coast tour in over a year. Stay tuned for tour dates soon!
The Pit of Phlegm, Antarctica--the rumors began to muster like the bats twittering about the Tomb of Oderus--for too long have the demonic overlords of this planet slumbered in a drug-induced, narcoleptic stupor! For too long have they dithered and sputtered about with numerous "side-projects" of dubious merit, while their legions of loyal slaves waited faithfully for their Masters to come to their senses. Just as the wretched denizens of this Toilet Earth scream for the return of the punishment, so shall they receive the sadistic torment they so richly deserve. And we're just the guys to give it to you! Thats right, once again it's ME, Oderus Urungus, Lord and Master of all Earth (well, a lot of it...). I finally put that annoying Dave Brockie to death, after I heard he was running around the country playing in some crummy "band" named DBX, claiming to be me in disguise! Hurumph! After years of scraping the mung off of my dick-metal, I suppose he just lost whatever amount of control he had over his scabby mind, and was apparently convinced he could make a living off of his "music". Ha ha ha, that's a good one! Anyway, I smothered him with my buttcheeks and am all the happier for it. Who needs him (me)!
Damn! Broke another computer. That's O.K. I'm sponsored. Now as I was saying--it is true! But what was I saying? Oh, that's right! Here it is....almost...O.K.......
GWAR IS IN THE STUDIO AND WORKING ON A NEW ALBUM
That's right you calcified shit brick, we are back, back, back and forth, trapped in the smelly confines of our beloved Slave Pit Studios, forging the weapons for our latest sonic assault. What's it called? Who knows? When will it be out? Don't know that one either! But the important thing is that GWAR has re-assembled and is busy planning your doom. I throw down my worm-smeared gauntlet in challenge to all scoffers and naysayers--the power of GWAR is ETERNAL and that power feeds and festers in boundless malignancy--the more we try to ignore it the mightier it becomes! So quit yer crying. So what if we didn't tour this Halloween? When you're in GWAR, EVERY day is Halloween!!!!! Besides I'm sure there are plenty of scary clown bands for you to go check out. So what if we put out albums only semi-frequently? Too much partying over at Osama's place. But now that time is over. Back to the bloody business of annihilating the human race, or at least what's left of our careers. You want heavy? You'll get HEAVIER--our most savage and hateful noise-bath since our last savage and hateful noise-bath, and our most apocalyptic and body-fluid drenched tour soon to follow. So keep the filthy faith a little longer--GWAR will return in 2004, so sayest Oderus.
There are other, more mundane, yet equally banal, events on or beneath the horizon. Nov. 1st sees the opening of the "Art of GWAR" show at New Yorks Fuse Gallery. The show features 20 years of Slave Pit art and artists and is a must-see for any GWAR fan worth his farts. The boys are also working on some tracks for a new Cartoon Network show called "The Kids Next Door". They took "Gor-Gor" and "The Private Pain of Techno-Destructo" and got rid of the lyrics, then added new ones! Goes to show you just how low we will sink to get on TV! Just get rid of Oderus. Anything for the chance of maybe one day doing a GWAR show...dream on. The Sims/GWAR snowboards are also out now and the ad campaign to support them is awesome--check it out at The Sims Homepage. Another project that has been in the works for some time but is now finally getting funded is Bob Gorman's and Don Drakulich's "Dim Time" documentry. The to-be-released-next-year DVD is a collection of "dim" GWAR footage from the days of the very inception of the band--only the rarest of the rare footage and interviews with all the original GWAR members shall be used. Learn the legend of the Slutman Brothers. Hear Oderus play guitar (horrible)! The shit is absolutley hilarious and will be sure to delight old and new GWAR fans alike! Plus Matt Maguire has been working on a line of mini-figures with some Japanese toy company. Hopefully they will be out next year. So shit is starting to get rolling again, as it usually does...downhill and into your yearning mouths. Any Slymenstra sightings?
Stay tuned for more disgusting developments.
BEWARE HUMAN FILTH--THE NEW GWAR ALBUM IS THE SICKEST,
HEAVIEST, MOST METAL GWAR YET!
"VIOLENCE HAS ARRIVED"
THE MIND-FLAYING NEW ALBUM FROM GWAR, OUT NOW!!!
COVER ART BY ADRIAN SMITH (no, not the guy from Iron Maiden).
AND NOW WE TAKE YOU DIRECTLY TO SLAVE PIT
WHERE A SUPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT IS ABOUT TO BE DELIVERED BY
SLAVE PIT'S PRESS CORRESPONDENT "THE ROTTING ENTRAILS OF DICK COX",
TO AN OBEDIENT CROWD OF SHIPWRECKED CHILEAN WALRUS HANDLERS...
The Rotting Entrails of Dick Cox (a pile
of rotting entrails)*: Ggggglllllh.....hgghllllr...rrrrg
uuuuurrrgggggg.......lllhlhh... (goes on for several hours).
Translated, it means simply this--GWAR
is playing a limited number
of surprise Holiday gigs at a series of as-of-yet undisclosed locations--wait--OK, disclose them.
Jan. 3rd, 2004--9:30 Club, Washington D.C.
More dates may be added! So come join your
blood-mad bestial overlords in a
festival of violence and debauchery that promises to befoul the seven cunts of Sheba!
*(of Dick Cox)
GWAR TOUR DIARY
"The Bitch is Back"
Here are some excerpts from my tour journal. This may be appearing
in Metal Maniacs but just in case they lame out
I wanted to be sure that somebody else read it.
Here's the crew (actually this is from a different tour)10/2 Richmond Va. -The Slave Pit is burbling with flappy activity as the loyal (yet disgruntled)
10/3 Myrtle Beach, S.C. First show of the tour at the House of Blues. Hulking monsters stumble around, bleeding profusely before collapsing in a series of messy heaps. The band sounds great (well, loud ) and everybody is happy that Slymenstra is back (except her). Happy that is until they get a giant bloody tampon upside the head.
10/4 Charlotte, N.C. This is the same town that I got busted in for humping a rubber Pope. Every time I come back here I live in fear of having my penis ripped off. It's about 8000 degrees on stage and it makes the band violently lethargic. The fur doesn't fly so much as sink to the floor. Plus I've got the runs from that crappy pink chicken I ate in the middle of the night. Right before the show I am seized with a horrific crap-attack.
10/5 Atlanta, Ga. Another tropical performance. I am confronted by a horde of sweaty maniacs who assail the barricade with their flailing bodies, crushing each other in a delirious frenzy. They soon begin to tire in the oppressive heat, though their exhortations continue and I pass into a dream-like state, trying to fight Gor-Gor while not collapsing from heatstroke. Plus this new dick-chop harness (for the castration scene) is strangling my balls. Somehow we make it, the corpses are stacked high, the drinking begins again.
That guy in front is scary.
10/6 Tallahassee, Fla. Last time we were here there were tons of girls on our bus, drinking our beer, smoking our weed, and not fucking anybody. At one point I counted 40 people in our front lounge alone. As the night went on, the bus (brand-new) started acting strangely. The horn kept going off, the lights kept flashing, and then the front door locked itself, trapping all of these drunk chicks in our lounge. The only way out was to crawl out the window and then drop eight feet to the pavement. Luckily nobody died.
Anyway, that didn't happen this time. Instead the sound man drank about 10 Car Bombs in a row and then vomited all over the aisle of the bus and then into his bunk. Oh yeah, the show was great.
10/7 Blessed day off! Time to scrub the pink scum off our bodies and lie around doing absolutely nothing. I stay in bed all day, slowly eating an entire deep-dish pizza. Why anyone would want to eat pizza on their day off when they've had pizza every night thus far is beyond me, unless of course you were me (somebody that loves pizza). Anyway it gives me the shits (doesn't everything?).
10/8 Orlando, Fla. A horrible thing happened today. I was in the dressing room putting on the finishing touches to the bands pre-show dead-baby buffet when all of a sudden Oderus burst in with an angry fart.
"Where's my tri-prong scrotal mount?", he bellowed, pinning me against the wall and forcing his tongue down my throat. What followed felt like rape but became hatred. Bleeding, confused, and abnormally pregnant, I sought medical treatment to soothe my torn rectum.
10/9 Tampa. Slept late. Farted around all day. Some girl flashes her tits from the crowd. Later, got drunk. Despite our best efforts the set is starting to get better. At least the kids don't throw garbage at the bus anymore.
10/10 Jacksonville. Looks like I'm really pregnant with Oderus's rape-baby. The kid is squirming around inside me and is making various demands via notes which a scaly arm passes out of my butthole. I've already had a Play Station 2 installed in my ass. Already I am asking myself, how can I keep up this inane banter for an entire tour and still make it interesting, without incriminating myself or having anymore damage done to my nether-regions?
10/11 Ft. Meyers. After the show I finally had Oderus's demon-spawn, in the form of a miniature tree-sloth with scales and a amazing command of Mandarin. It was so beautiful that the slaves of GWAR built it a shit-sculpture of the crack-baby Jesus. Then we flushed it down the toilet.
This guy makes cool models and brought them to the gig to show us. Seconds later he got crushed by a runaway bus.
10/12 Ft. Lauderdale. I don't need to make-up stuff today. We're playing in what looks like one of those cheesy chain restaurants, like Outback or something, except it's now a dance club. There is no stage, just an open area where the buffet would usually sit. The fans have to watch us from various platforms arranged around us, and only the first couple of rows will actually be able to see us. I have no idea how this has occurred but hey, the show must go on but not until we get all of the money up front. Next thing you know, two guys from the club are tearing apart the ATM with a crowbar and an axe. I assume there was something in it because we played that night, even though it SUCKED. Then on to the crack-hotel to watch Russian stewardesses get slammed in the hot-tub.
10/13. Day off but that didn't stop The Nameless One from getting so drunk that he fell into the Gulf of Mexico and had to be fished out with a bedsheet.
10/14. New Orleans. Drunk.
10/15 Houston. Couldn't find a bathroom and almost had to resort to the "bag-it" routine. Finally stumbled into a fancy downtown hotel, covered in fake blood and desperately in need of a bowel movement. I'm sorry so much of this journal concerns this crass subject matter, but often this is the day's most exciting event. The most trivial or routine matters of everyday existence take on a new and greater significance when the patterns of our lives are disrupted. I mean, how would you like to have to through life never knowing where you were going to take your next dump? Of course there is the focal point of the day, the show. This event, designed to be as unreal as possible, becomes the most consistent factor of one's road life (besides shitting). This bizarre inversion of habit is bound to make you obsessed with your own ass. And quite frankly at my age a man needs to know what's up "down there".
I got so bored that I took pictures of frozen frames from "Fellowship of the Ring"
10/16 Dallas. Bus driver is annoyed because Jizmak, GWAR's dog-like drummer, has been chasing the bus from gig-to-gig, biting out the back tires and crusting the hub-caps with intergalactic canine-piss. I'm so bored that I've taken to sitting in the lounge with my head in the way of the door, just so I can throw a fit every time I get smacked in the skull.
10/17 Surface of the Sun. Tonight's gig was really hot. That's not really the problem-the problem is the routing. I mean we play in Texas, then the surface of the sun, and then all the way back to Texas! And the people who plan this get 10%!
10/18 San Antonio. The entire crew has gone on strike because their demand for bendy-straws (to enable easier drinking in the bunks) has thus far gone unmet.
10/19 Tulsa. I mean, this life is killing me. Everyday I'm up at the crack of one just in time to miss load-in. Then it's over to the catering area to nibble warm flatmeat. Then back to the bus for a short nap of several hours. Then up by the crack of six just in time to miss sound check. Then dinner, usually consisting of noodles with ketchup and piles of rotting crabmeat. Then back to the bus to watch other people play video games. Then finally, the show, where I complain about the sound, even though I wasn't at soundcheck. Then, again, back to the bus which goes to the hotel where I take a leisurely shower to the soundtrack of "the guys" getting their knobs polished in the next room (by each other). Then back to the bus to watch movies, read books, eat sandwiches, play games and generally relax. Did I mention I get paid to endure this mindless suffering?
I'm off to work, honey!
10/21 Denver. (Oderus takes over project) Aboard the bat-shaped helicopter, we get a signal from Sleazy P. Martini to jump out. Hurtling to Earth, me and my warty brethren smash through the roof of the club, crushing the opening act and starting our "set". Celebrities are disemboweled at a brisk pace as our "music" shakes the very foundations of the city, collapsing what's left of the building into the wailing crowd. Right around here Slymenstra shows up, enraged because we didn't tell her we were going on tour. In short order I am castrated and anally impaled (with my own amputated cuttlefish). It's all I can do to carry on with my murderous performance and vent my sexual frustration on anything within sword's reach. Then this big troll-thing comes out and knocks the remainder of my skull out with a seven-ton mace! I'm sure Rod Stewart never had to endure such an indignity. We are forced to summon Gor-Gor, who eats the Troll (never caught his name), and then turns on Slymy. Of course I save the day with a well-timed sword to Gor-Gor's head, and there is much rejoicing. After a lengthy session of bathing the crowd with my caustic pee, we return for our encore, only to be attacked by Malagantor the Melancholy, the Giant Ambiguous Monster That Bleeds Alot. By now the entire audience is dead, so the Slaves loot the corpses as we feast on brains for several hours. Then it's back to the Tour-Helicopter (bat-shaped) to fuck sluts and inject crack into our eyes.
(Oderus abandons project)
10/24 Eugene. Bus skills-opening cans of tuna fish with bottle openers, opening beers with anything, figuring out how all the remotes and devices work, knowing where your shoes, coat, laminate, bus key, money, weed, cell phone, charger, laptop and various other items (depending on preference) are at all times, sleeping feet forward (better to break your legs than your neck), sleeping with earplugs (so you can get some fucking sleep), never shitting in the bog, crapping into a plastic bag and then throwing it out the window, etc, etc...
10/25 Seattle. As we are pulling the bus out of the parking lot a lady from the hotel runs out and claims we are still in one of the rooms. She is told that is impossible considering we are all aboard the bus. When asked who is in the room, she calls her security dude on the walkie-talkie.
"Who's in there?" she asks.
"A naked man", blares the walkie-talkie, right in front of a crowd of elderly hotel guests. Apparently a random man has found our key from yesterday and had wandered into the room, where he proceeded to get naked. We split before the cops got there.
Our fans rule! This dude in particular.
10/26 Portland. Played a Goth festival. GWAR and Goth don't go together too well. Actually most GWAR fans hate Goth people. I don't hate them, but I think they are funny. Like the way most Goth chicks are fat and the guys are gay. Or look gay anyway. Not that there's anything wrong with being fat or gay. Just not at the same time.
10/27 Vancouver. We haven't been here in eight years due to various customs problems. Attempts to fingerprint Oderus led to a bloody confrontation with the Canadian Army. It took years to bribe or eliminate the correct officials. The show is HUGE (by our standards anyway, which means a couple thousand screaming mutants). Their ravenous welcome of our show brought bloody tears to the eyes of the most caustic GWAR-lords. The evening dissolved in flailings of metal madness! To make it even better we played with Thor! Remember Thor? We fucking played with Thor! He bent an iron bar and then came out and helped me kill Gor-Gor. The Gods belch in approval.
10/29 Calgary. Another huge show. Biggest of the tour. The place is like a mini-stadium so we spend the day pretending to be rock stars in front of some kids who have come to interview us. We get them drunk and hang out with people half our age. Pathetic.
10/31 Milwaukee. Hideous drive all the way from Calgary in sub-zero temp. I don't know how those moose can take it. What day is it? OH it's Halloween! I am determined to wear two costumes today so with a little help I get a priest outfit together so I can run around in the crowd before the show, blessing people before their eternal sacrifice to GWAR. Some people think I'm a real priest and look pissed. Then a special car-bomb slam-fest and once again it's go-time!!!!
You talking to me?
11/1 Chicago. The beverage situation is getting serious. We have WAY TOO much stuff on our rider (sheet sent to promoters before we get there detailing our many needs)-four cases of beer, two bottles of booze, infinite soda water and juice, and finally huge kegs of moldy pee, which we strap to the roof. Despite our best efforts, we can't drink it all and slowly the bus is filling up cartons and cases of random liquids. I sleep in fear of being crushed by the weight of the drinks stored above my bunk. This bus usually transports hockey teams so maybe that explains why the layout of this bus is like a series of penalty boxes. Plus one of the Hanson Brothers is in the back lounge setting up his model racecars.
Of course it was a magnificent show, it's Chicago! Home of Al Capone, Jolly Roger, and Johnny Chainsaw.
11/2 Detroit. Insane show at the lovely Harpo's, located right in the middle of one of the U.S.'s sickest crack neighborhoods. As the crew mops up the blood, local cops mob our dressing room, expressing their gratitude and showing us their guns. One allows Danielle to empty his Glock into the parking lot, blasting off multiple rounds before one careens into the nearby street. Riotously drunk, the cops then storm onto the bus and begin to disrobe. After that I don't know what happened, as I fled in terror.
11/3 Urbana. Sat in the bar for hours before the show, listening to U2 and letting people buy me shots. Got so piss-drunk that I made up new words and dialogue for the new show (while on stage). The result was a confusing but hilarious (at least to me) mess. After the show I tackled a super-can and poured it's contents over my head. All the scuz at the bottom oozed onto my face and some got in my mouth. Then I fell down the stairs, shedding costume pieces the whole way. I was reborn as "Captain Fuck-Up", and donning a makeshift cape, proceeded to trash the dressing room and our chance of ever playing there again.
11/4 Cincinnati -- I'm pretty hungover today so I'm gonna let Brian Reymond, merch. dude and web-designer for Bloodlet, do today's entry. Where's the booze?
Imitators beware. There is no tour like the GWAR tour. A walk through the
writhing pile of bloody, pissed-on screaming slaves known as the crowd is a
sure indication that there are no fans quite like GWAR fans. Among the
sudden excess of mediocre rock bands out there that are throwing on their
clown masks, hoping to rope a few fans by splashing on the make-up to
outshine the blatent lack of talent they bring, the originators of true
gore metal mania are back to slay all imposters. GWAR is back on the road,
so all you Nu-Metal Make-Up Sissies beware. Their legions of followers are
along for the hunt, and they're always looking for fresh kill.
The general putrid funk that arises over the stew of the crowd is of an
odor and culture unique to the backwoods trailor inbred family followers
and true blue big city bum fanatics. They killed their mothers for the cost
at the door, and sold their jewelry for mechandise- all to take an hour and
a half long shot in the mouth from their hero Oderus, who hoses down his
worthless slaves each night with a sultry assortment of semen, urine, and
of course blood. Dig through the vomit swamp of scumdogs for the true GWAR
experience if you dare...
11/5 Columbus-- 11/16 Philadelphia. O.K. so I got a little behind in my journal. I tried to get other GWAR members to help but they wouldn't. They just laughed at me and said my head was too big for my body. Then Oderus's rape-baby showed up again, this time with a lawyer. Since my last entry I've been drinking heavily--essential while enduring an endless procession of upper-east coast shithole clubs featuring lousy food, rotting walls, and giant rats. And can you believe it, the Buffalo wings in Buffalo SUCKED! So a few thousand miles and almost as many gallons of blood (let's not forget the urine) later, yet another GWAR tour is drawing to a messy conclusion. Nothing surpasses the feeling of satisfaction that comes at the end of a successful tour. Well, maybe a successful bowel-movement. I don't mind that my body is a wreck, my liver is a ruin, I don't recognize my keys and my toenails are dyed bright red. Thanks to all the bands that supported us on this tour--Bloodlet, Cattle Decapitation, and Six. We're off for a well-deserved coma and rehab period before starting on a new DBX record and new GWAR after that. Then, one of these days, we'll die.
This is an old ass picture but still it expresses the joy I feel throbbing
in my loins. The BLOOD DRIVE has begun.
Everynight is a roiling explosion of tidal hemo-globic proportion. Thanks to the dread-senders. I saved all your names but quite frankly can't be bothered to type them. Not with this head wound anyway. Many of them ended up on my filthy, filthy cock and balls. For this I thank you. Anyway the tour is going great, well great as long as you dont mind getting an axe through your head or being mauled by a giant dinosaur. Hey check this out.
A quick update from Slave Pit Central--Sep. 26th, 2002
First of all, let me say thank you to Oderus for allowing me to update his page for him. I am still certain to be impaled but hey, I'm used to it. So while Oderus lolls in a narcoleptic stupor within his garbage-strewn coffin, the remaining denizens of the Pit are in total slavery mode, preparing for the all-out floppy assault that shall be "The Bitch is Back" GWAR Halloween Tour 2002! We are continuing to support the incredible new (well, newest) record, "Violence Has Arrived", plus the release of the new GWAR DVD, the "Ultimate Video GWAR-chive" (out Oct. 22nd), which includes every GWAR music video we ever did, including the brand new "Immortal Corruptor" video, directed by Don Drakulich, better known as Sleazy P! Rumors are rife as to what this show is all about but rest assured I will do nothing to clear them up. But any GWAR fan worth his own bloody snot should be able to draw a pretty obvious conclusion based on the title of the damn thing. Suffice to say this show is a lot different and possibly even more spectacular than the "Blood Drive" tours we did earlier this year. But my lips are sealed as to the gullet-clogging sickness that you shall witness with your own beady eyes! Just be there!
But there is other news that I must share with you legions of loyal GWAR mutants (and actually I think pretty much everybody knows this already)--we have had some pretty major line up changes since finishing the spring tour. It's a shocker but don't worry, everything is fine. O.K., here goes I QUIT. Ha-ha, just kidding. Unfortunately Casey Orr (Beefcake the Mighty) and Zach Blair (Flattus Maximus) weren't. After the last tour they both decided that it was time to part ways with GWAR. Casey is starting a family and has a beautiful new son named Connor. Both of the guys were motivated by a desire to make music closer to their homes in Dallas. We tried violence and threats but it didn't work over the phone. So at that point the split became totally amicable and I gave up yelling at them. Casey and Zach will always be members of the extended family of those who were mauled by GWAR, whether they liked it or not. Casey in particular gave many years of matchless service as my brother-in-musical-arms and will be sorely missed, except for the time he pissed in the fridge. And though his tenure was short, Zach Blair certainly had a big impact on the way the new album came together, for which we shall be eternally grateful. I don't know if the Hellions or Armstrong are doing much right now, but both Casey and Zack are playing in a new band called "The Burden Brothers" which features an ominous amount of talent. Check out more about them at www.burdenbrothers.com. Best of luck, rocking fellas!
I know some of you fans may be a little freaked but anyone who has followed us knows that we go through musicians at a fairly good clip. It's amazing we still have any original members left, and who knows how many Flattus's we've had (actually that's a good trivia question). Artists and musicians come and go, and very often come back. So after a few days of sobbing in our cups we whipped out the soggy rolodex and set about the business of finding two new members. It took precisely two phone calls. First was Toledo-based Todd "T" Evans, who some of you may know as the guitar player for those stalwart defenders of our right to sit on the couch for days, Lazy American Workers. Check 'em out at www.lazyamericanworkers.com. We've known Todd for years and he's a great guy and also a great big guy. In fact get ready for Beefcake to be REALLY BIG. Taking over as Flattus is local hero Cory Smoot, who almost had the job three years ago when we were holding auditions after Pete Lee left. He's a ripping guitarist and as you can imagine both of these guys are totally shitting themselves at this opportunity. So let's get out there and support GWAR and Slave Pit Inc. on our huge "The Bitch is Back" Halloween 2002 Tour!!!!!!
This is what happens to you if you don't work out.